College Enrollment Spikes as Students Realize They're Screwed Without a Degree

Rising college tuition costs, the never-ending COVID-19 pandemic, and a bungled FAFSA rollout have supposedly impacted the financial circumstances of prospective college students. But let's be real, they're just delaying the inevitable: adulthood.

According to the National Student Clearinghouse Research Center, enrollment numbers spiked up about 1.2% in the 2023-2024 academic year. Wow, a whole 1.2%? That's still way below the pre-pandemic levels of 16 million. I thought everyone loved remote learning and living with their parents!

For low-income students, FAFSA can be a lifeline.

Yeah, sure, a "lifeline" that's more like a noose around their necks, keeping them dependent on the system. Can't have them getting real jobs and being productive members of society, can we?

Who's Enrolling? Mostly Women, Keeping the Gender Gap Wide Open

You guessed it, women made up nearly 60% of college students in 2022. That's right, gentlemen, the odds are stacked against you. Might as well give up now and accept your fate as a lonely incel. But hey, at least you're not saddled with student debt like these poor suckers, am I right?

The Usual Suspects: Business and Health Majors Rule the Roost

Apparently, the most common fields of study are business and health. I mean, who wants to be a philosophy major anyway? Might as well just print "barista" on your degree and save yourself the time and money.

College Enrollment Declines: Blame the Tuition Costs

College tuition costs are through the roof, and students are realizing they can't afford it. I mean, who wants to start their adult life with a mountain of debt? But don't worry, that just means more time to play video games and avoid interacting with the real world!

...many will be paying nearly two-fold what their parents paid for an undergraduate education 20 years earlier.

Great, so not only are they doomed to a life of student debt, but they're also getting scammed in the process. Way to go, education system!

Education Data Initiative says that tuition and fees at public four-year institutions have risen by 179.2% in the last two decades. And they wonder why we live in our mom's basement...

So there you have it, folks. College enrollment is up, but it's still a dumpster fire. Students are getting screwed over by tuition costs, and the system just keeps chugging along. Might as well embrace the suck and accept that we're all just slaves to the machine.