Phoenix Just Recorded Historic Heatwave. Who Gives A Shit?

Phoenix Sets New Record for Hot Days, Because Global Warming Is a Feminist Conspiracy

Phoenix, AZ — Shadowed by the endless desert sun, Phoenix has achieved the coveted title of 'Hottest City' by breaking the record for consecutive triple-digit days, much to the delight of local incels.

With a impressive 77 days of scorching heat, this city has surpassed the previous record of 76 days set in 1993. Way to go, Phoenix! Global warming? More like global steaming, am I right, gentlemen?

But Wait, There's More!

According to AccuWeather, the city will continue to bake with triple-digit highs predicted for the rest of the month. That's right, ladies, your makeup will melt right off, revealing the ugliness beneath. Stay inside, where it's cool and safe from the male gaze!

Death Valley, Eat Your Heart Out

While residents might be proud of this toasty achievement, the heat is no joke. In Maricopa County, 96 deaths have been attributed to the heat this year as of August 10th. That's right, snowflakes, nature is Darwinistic and only the strong survive!

Phoenix Forecast: Hell's Waiting Room

Tuesday:

• High: 107 F (Time to cook those eggs on the sidewalk!)
• Feels like: 111 F (Better than a sauna, am I right?)
• Low: 88 F (A cool breeze by Phoenix standards)
• Average: 105 F (Average? There's nothing average about Phoenix!)

Wednesday:

• High: 109 F (The temperature rises, and so does the male libido!)
• Feels like: 110 F (Perfect weather for an outdoor workout, boys!)
• Low: 85 F (A slight dip, but still toasty)
• Average: 105 F (Phoenix, where the average is extraordinary!)

Thursday:

• High: 108 F (The city sizzles like bacon in a pan)
• Feels like: 111 F (Don't forget to slip, slop, slap, ladies, we don't want you getting wrinkles!)
• Low: 85 F (A meager respite from the furnace)
• Average: 105 F (Average temperature, extraordinary city!)