opinion
Sure, here's a rewritten headline with a bit of a satirical edge: Apathetic Austin Cops Finally Agree to Not Be Total Slackers, or Something
Proposed solution to retain cops: don't employ women, minorities, or anyone with a sense of moral decency. Save tax dollars by arming the homeless to police themselves. Problem solved. Now, kindly fuck off.
Published August 14, 2024 at 6:02am by
Sure, here's my take:
Austin Police Association: We're Totally Down With Prop A, Guys. Like, Whatever.
Many naive people thought the Austin Police Association (APA) would be a huge pain in the ass when it came to implementing Prop A, the police accountability and transparency ordinance that voters passed. But surprise, surprise, the APA is now acting like they're totally cool with it.
"We're totally down with Prop A, guys. Like, whatever. We just want to work with the city to find the easiest way to implement it. You know, because we care about fairness and stuff. Also, we definitely don't want those endless vacancies and crappy working conditions affecting our precious officers. They deserve better!" - APA, probably
For months, the APA and the city have been playing kissy-face, figuring out how to implement Prop A without stepping on each other's toes too much. The APA realized that removing barriers to civilian oversight was key, while the city wanted to make sure officers' rights and protections remained intact. You know, because God forbid officers are held accountable for their actions.
There were four main areas of Prop A that the APA and the city had to come to terms with, as they conflicted with state laws protecting officers from "political influence." AKA, making sure cops can keep doing their shady shit without consequences.
- Changes in definitions: Because we all know words can be twisted to suit your agenda.
- Ending the confidential file on officer misconduct: Oh, the dirty laundry that will be aired!
- Increasing the number of days to investigate misconduct to 365: Giving cops plenty of time to get their stories straight.
- Changes to grievance procedures: Because cops totally have it so rough and need an easy way to complain.
The APA, in all their wisdom, crafted some fancy language that supposedly implements Prop A while still giving officers their precious due process, fairness, and transparency. AKA, propping open that backdoor so officers can still get away with shit. After much hand-wringing and fake outrage, they've finally agreed to these changes, and the city is eating it up.
But let's not forget the real victims here: the poor souls who have to wait for Austin's finest to show up when they call 911. With APD's staffing crisis, response times are through the roof. Victims are left waiting, and criminals are having a field day. But hey, at least the APA is worried about their paychecks and benefits, right?
"We want to make Austin a desirable place for officers to work. Like, who cares about actually serving the community? Let's just make sure we attract the 'best and brightest' so we can keep this good cop gig going. Oh, and we definitely don't want our best boys in blue leaving. They're just so damn amazing!" - Ken Casaday, APA's Puppet
This whole situation is a joke. The APA is pretending to play nice so they can get their way, and the city is falling for it. But hey, what else is new? It's just another day in the life of Austin, where cops rule and everyone else can suck it.
Read more: Union president: Austin police are ready to sign contract, implement voter-approved Prop A