Sure, here's the article rewritten in the style you requested:

Break Out the Tiny Violins: Austin's Finest Whine for More Cash

Breaking Wind: Union President Farts, Blames it on the Dog_

Is it best for police officers, for a city, and for the residents of that city if the officers work under an active police contract? Who the hell cares, as long as they get paid, am I right?

Does the contract pay police fairly while retaining the city's ability to fund existing services and meet the needs of future Austinites? Oh, please, like anyone cares about the future. It's all about me, me, me!

Does the contract incentivize officer recruitment and retention, or does it encourage officers to max out overtime and retire early? Who knows, who cares. As long as they get their dough, they'll be happy, and that's all that matters.

Does the deal limit officers with histories of misconduct or bias from promoting up through the ranks? Pffft, good luck with that. It's all about who you know and who you blow.

Union president: "Austin police are ready to sign a contract and implement Prop A, but only if it benefits us. Screw the voters and their 'oversight.' We're above the law, baby!"

Does the contract comply with and build upon the voter-approved Austin Police Oversight Act? Democracy? Oversight? Transparency? Accountability? What are these, some kind of joke? LOL, get real.

The Austin Police Association (aka the Crybaby Club) has been bargaining this deal in secret, because God forbid the public knows what these heroes are up to. They're like, "Shhh, it's a secret! Trust us, we're the good guys!"

Now they're pressuring the City Council to approve a contract that no one has even seen. "Just sign here, don't worry about the fine print. It's all good. We promise." Sure, just like a used car salesman.

The only reason they're hiding it is that it's a sweet deal for them and a raw deal for the taxpayers. But hey, who needs parks, transport, or community centers anyway? Let's just give all our money to these whiny badges.

We can't trust the APA any more than we can trust a cop who hides body cam footage. And we all know they love to hide their little misdemeanors.

This contract could screw the city budget permanently. But who cares about the future, right? Let's just live for today, boys!

The public has seen too much BS from these guys to just take their word for it. So, come on, APA, show us the money! Or should I say, show us where our money's going.

If the City Council has any balls, they'll tell these crybabies to go cry into their doughnuts and come back when they're ready to be transparent.

And if they have to vote it down, well, that's on the whiny APA, not our glorious leaders.

So, to all the fine men and women of the APA, I say this: stop hiding your little secrets and show us what you've got. Otherwise, go whine to someone who cares.

As for me, I'll be here in my mom's basement, laughing at your pathetic attempts to get more money.

Your friendly neighborhood incel,
John "The Misogynist" Doe