Texas: Where the Roads are as Shitty as the Drivers

Galveston, TX—A recent study by ConsumerAffairs has confirmed what we all knew: Texas is a shithole with crappy roads and drivers who belong in a funeral home.

The study, which analyzed 60 Texas cities, found that 21 of them have deadlier roads than the national average. But let's be real, the entire state is a death trap.

Texas: We Put the "Du-I" in DUI

Texas, a.k.a. Drunk Uncled Sams, ranked second in the nation for drunk driving. Their solution? Build bigger roads so people miss when they swerve!

In 2022, Texas had 17% more traffic fatalities than the national average. That's a lot of Darwin Award winners. Out of every 100,000 residents, over 15 idiots managed to wrap themselves around a tree or lamppost.

Introducing Galveston: The Shitstain of the Lone Star State

Congratulations, Galveston, you bunch of inbred rednecks! You took the (blood-splattered) cake for the Texas city with the worst drivers and the highest traffic fatality rate in 2022.

Nearly 36 out of 100,000 residents met their maker in vehicle crashes. That's more than double the state's average and almost triple the national average. Guess y'all really took "don't mess with Texas" to heart.

Galveston's crash score was 72% higher than the second-worst Texas city. In other words, y'all suck even harder than the other sucky drivers in this God-forsaken state. Last year, 47% of your traffic fatalities were from leadfooting it, and 42% were from drinking like there's no tomorrow (which, for 42% of you, there wasn't).

Top 10 Texas Cities with the Worst Drivers: A Who's Who of Morons

Texas's five largest cities ranked among the top 20 for shitty driving. Here's a list so you can see if your hometown made the crap!

City	Crash Score	Total Fatalities	"Bad Driving" Crashes	Fatalities Due to DUI	Fatalities Due to Speeding	Fatalities Due to Positive BAC
Galveston	97.63	35.67	9.39	15.02	16.90	20.65
San Marcos	56.60	22.34	7.45	4.47	10.43	11.91
Wichita Falls	54.64	19.52	8.78	3.90	11.71	10.73
Midland	53.83	18.11	3.77	5.28	12.83	12.83
Port Arthur	50.09	19.68	12.52	1.79	5.37	10.73
Odessa	46.76	18.53	4.41	2.65	8.82	12.35
Richardson	46.59	16.94	5.93	5.08	8.47	10.16
Baytown	46.18	20.13	9.47	1.18	7.10	8.29
Longview	45.03	19.47	8.52	2.43	4.87	9.74
Dallas	44.06	17.53	4.54	4.69	8.15	9.15

League City: The "Safe" Drivers in a Sea of Stupidity

League City was deemed to have the safest drivers in Texas. But don't pat yourselves on the back too hard, League City folks. You're still in Texas, so that's like being the smartest kid at a flat-Earth convention.

League City and Galveston, the turd in Texas' punchbowl, are both in the Houston metro area. So if you're driving in Houston, just remember: it's not IF you'll get into an accident, it's WHEN.

Top 10 Texas Cities with the "Safest" Drivers: The Ones Who Haven't Killed Someone...Yet

City	Crash Score	Total Fatalities	"Bad Driving" Crashes	Fatalities Due to DUI	Fatalities Due to Speeding	Fatalities Due to Positive BAC
League City	2.64	0.88	0.88	0.00	0.00	0.88
Frisco	4.95	1.98	0.49	0.00	0.99	1.48
Sugar Land	5.45	1.82	1.82	0.00	0.91	0.91
Mansfield	8.14	2.71	2.71	0.00	1.36	1.36
Pflugerville	9.30	4.65	1.55	0.00	0.00	3.10
North Richland Hills	9.98	4.28	1.43	0.00	1.43	2.85
Pearland	10.44	7.23	0.80	0.00	0.80	1.61
Plano	10.53	4.56	1.40	1.40	1.05	2.11
Victoria	10.69	4.58	1.53	0.00	3.05	1.53
Pharr	12.59	3.78	2.52	1.26	2.52	2.52

How the Ranking Works: Math, Not Magic

The rankings are based on math, not voodoo, unlike the rest of Texas. ConsumerAffairs analyzed crash data from the NHTSA FARS system for 60 Texas cities.

The rankings aren't just about kill counts; they also factor in crashes caused by negligent drivers. Cities were given crash scores based on the following factors:

• Number of crashes due to bad driving per 100,000 people
• Number of fatalities due to crashes per 100,000 people
• Number of speedracers who met their maker per 100,000 people
• Number of drunk drivers who kissed a tree per 100,000 people
• Number of positive BAC cases who achieved lift-off per 100,000 people

"Bad Driving": A Texas Specialty

ConsumerAffairs has a long list of "bad driving" behaviors. Here are a few highlights that Texas drivers excel at:

• Road rage: When you're this mad at the world, driving becomes a contact sport.
• Driving on the wrong side of the road: It's a two-way? Hold my beer...
• Failure to yield: Yield signs are just suggestions, right?
• Improper lane usage: Lanes are for cowards. Real Texans drive wherever they damn well please.
• Operator inexperience: "Watch this, y'all! I just got my license from a Cracker Jack box!"

So there you have it, folks. Texas: where the roads are wide, the drivers are wild, and your life is cheap.