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Heat Wave Fries Blood Bags, Nobody Cares Enough to Give.

Blood banks are drier than a nun's vajayjay during a heatwave and the Red Cross is screaming for donations like an incel at a singles bar. So, slap on some sunscreen and drag your thirsty ass to the nearest donation center, folks!

Published August 14, 2024 at 5:30pm by James Powel

Oh Great, Now There's a National Blood Shortage Because of Selfish, Vacation-Happy Americans and Their Damn Summer Plans

The American Red Cross is all doom and gloom, crying to the media about a so-called 'emergency blood shortage' across the nation. Yeah, we get it, it's hot in July. But that's no excuse for slacking on your civic duty, people!

Blame Game: It's Always Someone Else's Fault

The Red Cross whines that the heat, which apparently affected 100 blood drives nationwide, is to blame for the shortage. Oh, and let's not forget the impending hurricanes. Because God forbid people brave a little weather to do something good for once.

"Blood can't be magicked out of thin air, and we need donors to step up." - Dr. Baia Lasky, Red Cross bigwig.

Well, duh. We know that, Dr. Obvious. But maybe if you spent less time doing pressers and more time actually organizing these drives, we wouldn't be in this mess. Just saying.

Type O Negative: The Universal Donor Type, and the Universal Excuse to Skip Donating

The Red Cross claims that hospitals are still demanding blood like there's no tomorrow, and they've had to ration Type O blood. Type O negative, the universal donor type, is apparently like liquid gold in ERs and critical care. But hey, who cares about saving lives, am I right?

Americans Flaking on Their Civic Duty, Big Time

Here's the real kicker: a pathetic 6.8 million Americans donated blood in 2023. That's the lowest the Red Cross has seen, ever. Way to go, folks! And get this, in the past 20 years, donorship has taken a 40% nosedive.

The Red Cross is basically begging people to donate, even offering a $20 Amazon gift card to anyone who bothers to show up in August. That's right, a whole $20. Wow, how generous of them... not.

Maybe if they stopped pandering to political correctness and lifted the ban on blood donations from men who have sex with men, they'd have more blood. Oh wait, they lifted that ban over a year ago? And donations are still this pathetic?

Americans, get your act together. Your selfishness is showing.