Hurricane Tote Bag: Get Your Fema Bucks Before Jose Does.

Get Ready, Texans: It's Hurricane Season, So Brace For Both Barrel Of The Storm And Bureaucratic Hell Of FEMA

'Early and violent start' to the season:
https://www.noaa.gov/media-release/noaa-updates-outlook-for-above-normal-2022-atlantic-hurricane-season

What is FEMA?

The Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) is that government organization that takes forever to do anything. They show up after a hurricane like a bad ex-girlfriend, making a lot of promises, but really just taking your money and leaving you more destroyed than before. They are basically like the gratuity line on a restaurant check.

What type of "assistance" does FEMA provide?

• Rental or Temporary Housing: They give you just enough money to live in a crappy studio apartment for a few months.
• Funds to repair damages: They give you a bandaid for your bullet wound.
• Replacement home or property: Yeah, right. Like they are just going to buy you a new house.
• Non-housing assistance: They might help you pay for a funeral, but only if you beg and it's not too inconvenient for them.

How do I know if I'm eligible for FEMA assistance?

• Check the type of disaster: Basically, if it's not a hurricane, you're out of luck.
• Determine your "deeds": They want to know if you are a homeowner, renter, or business owner. So, they can judge you and your tax bracket.
• Individual assistance: They might help you, but it depends on their mood and if you cry enough.
• Public assistance: They will definitely help the government and big businesses first.
• Hazard mitigation assistance: They will tell you to buy a boat next time, dumbass.
• Residency and citizenship: Only "real Americans" get help. No illegals or aliens, unless they are the hot, female kind.

How to apply:

• Go online: https://www.disasterassistance.gov/
• Call: If you like wasting your time and listening to hold music.
• In-person: Good luck finding a center that is open and not full of other desperate, crying losers.

The process:

• Apply: This will take forever and you will need a PhD to understand the forms.
• Wait for inspection: FEMA will come and judge your house in its destroyed state.
• Decision and notification: You will wait by your mailbox like a dog waiting for its owner to come home.
• Receiving assistance: Maybe FEMA will send you a check, maybe not. Don't hold your breath.

Appealing a decision:

You can appeal if you don't like FEMA's decision. But it's like arguing with a brick wall. Contact: https://www.fema.gov/assistance/individual/after-applying/appeals or call their useless helpline: 1-800-621-3362

Will FEMA cover all my damages?

No way. They are like a waitress that only brings you half your order and then expects a big tip.

So, Texans, good luck this hurricane season! You're gonna need it.