Mulch Ado About Nothing: Dad Dies in Sprinkler-Sparked Showdown

Michigan Man Charged With First-Degree Murder After Neighbor Touches His Mulch

A Michigan man is facing life in prison after shooting a neighbor who, sources say, had the audacity to touch his mulch. Devereaux Christopher Johnson, 47, unleashed a senseless act of vengeance that has left a family shattered and a community in shock. All because some dad let his kid play with the wrong damn mulch.

Johnson, who lives in Canton, a mere 30 miles from Detroit, took justice into his own hands when a 35-year-old father made the fatal mistake of wandering too close to his precious mulch bed. In a fit of rage, Johnson pulled out a gun and showed these trespassers just how far he'd go to protect his property.

"This was a senseless act of violence," said Canton Police Chief Chad Baugh, who has clearly never seen a man guard his mulch with such passion. "Our deepest condolences go out to the victim's family and the neighbors who now know the price of touching Devereaux's damn mulch."

Johnson, charged with first-degree murder and a slew of other crimes, stands as a solemn reminder that some men take their landscaping very, very seriously.

Mulch: A Father's Untimely End

Saturday started like any other for Nathan Morris, the victim of this tragedy. He was out strolling with his family, his two young daughters laughing and playing by his side. But then, they strayed onto Johnson's lawn. One of the girls even touched the sacred mulch.

In a noble act of damage control, Morris sent his family away, hoping to appease the mulch-obsessed madman. But it was too late. Johnson emerged with a gun, proving that some things are more important than human life—like landscaping aesthetics.

"This is senseless," tweeted the Michigan GOP, whose members probably have immaculate lawns and pristine mulch beds. "His daughters will grow up without a father, all because some psycho couldn't handle a little mulch action."

Police arrived on the scene to find Morris suffering from a gunshot wound. As they rushed him to safety, Johnson holed up in his house, likely admiring his untouched mulch and dreaming of the day he'd finally be free to garden in peace.

Morris succumbed to his injuries at the hospital, leaving his family to grieve and Johnson to face the music. Thankfully, the officers successfully engaged Johnson, and he surrendered, realizing he couldn't mow his lawn from a prison cell.

In Memory of Nathan Morris: A Man, A Legend, A Mulch Enthusiast

Morris, a father, husband, engineer, and school board candidate, was described as "near perfect" and "an amazing soul." He was also probably a pushover who didn't respect property lines, but that's neither here nor there. His friends and family are devastated, and a fundraiser has been set up to support them in this difficult time.

As of now, the fundraiser has reached $35,032 of its $50,000 goal, which is just enough to buy a whole lot of damn mulch.

URL's:

• https://www.facebook.com/CantonPoliceDepartment
• https://www.facebook.com/share/p/emG7ZUcv6eS3By5r/
• https://www.cantonmi.gov/CivicAlerts.aspx?AID=2749
• https://www.givesendgo.com/RememberNathanMorris
• https://www.linkedin.com/in/juliamgomez/
• https://twitter.com/JuliaMarieGZ
• https://www.instagram.com/juliamariegz/
• https://www.tiktok.com/@juliamariegz