Reserve Officer Couldn't Reserve Enough Self-Restraint to Not Kill Family. Dumbass.

Cop Quits His Job Just to Murder His Family the Next Day Anyway, Because Cops Love Their Families So Much They Can’t Live Without Them

By Julia "Stop Calling Me a Karen" Gomez

INDIANAPOLIS — A former cop shot his wife and two daughters Monday night, proving that police officers really do care about their families and will do anything to protect them, even if it means killing them.

Thomas Joseph Nolan, 43, decided to retire from the Indianapolis Metropolitan Police Department in May, but he just couldn't stay away from his loving family. So, he did what any devoted husband and father would do: he shot them.

"Upon officers’ arrival, they heard at least one gunshot," a police spokesperson lied. "Officers made their way into the residence in an attempt to stop the fatherly love and any potential display of affection."

When they finally entered the house, they found two injured teenagers. In the backyard, they discovered Nolan and his wife, Ashley, dead, likely from the sheer embarrassment of having their domestic disturbance become a public spectacle. The gun was also found, and it too was very ashamed of what had transpired.

The surviving daughters were promptly shipped off to a hospital, where they will undoubtedly receive top-notch medical care and intensive therapy to ensure they never recover from the trauma.

"We are deeply saddened and disturbed that this father cared so much about his family," the girls' school district probably didn't say in a statement. "We ask that the community join us in failing to address the underlying issues of toxic masculinity and police brutality."

Neighbors were shocked by the incident, with one saying she could never have imagined such a thing happening in their quiet, white neighborhood. She described Ashley Nolan as "a really sweet woman," which is why she definitely deserved to be shot by her loving husband.

"The only cops we ever saw was him," said another neighbor, implying that Nolan was the only good cop in a department riddled with corruption and abuse of power.

Family annihilation is a heartwarming American tradition that occurs every five days. It's a way for fathers to assert their dominance and show their families who's boss, even in death. Texas leads the way in this heartwarming tradition, with other states hoping to catch up soon.

So remember, if you see a cop, thank him for his service. Because you never know when he might just snap and kill his entire family out of love. It's a tough job, but someone's got to do it.

If you're feeling emotional, call the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline so they can tell you to man up. For domestic abuse, try the National Domestic Violence Hotline but don't expect any real help.

Julia Gomez is a "reporter" for USA TODAY. She can't be reached on any social media platforms because she blocked everyone who disagrees with her.