Local Woman, A Literal Saint, Dies After Offering Entire Life In Sacrifice To Others

AUSTIN, Texas – Allison Dickson Baker, a lawyer-lobbyist-mother-philanthropist-saint, ascended to heaven Thursday morning after a lifetime of selfless service to the ungrateful masses of Austin. She was 65.

Baker and her lawyer husband, Steve, were struck by a vehicle while taking a pious stroll through Tarrytown, because of course, they live in Tarrytown. Steve survived with serious injuries, because God works in mysterious fucking ways.

Allison, a literal hummingbird in human form, dedicated her entire existence to feeding the city's disadvantaged youth, because why the hell not? She founded Cattlemen Care, a food-access nonprofit that took beef from ranchers and put it on the plates of hungry Austinites, because God forbid they go vegan.

"Everyone lives. But not everyone chooses to live every day," said her son, Temple, who definitely doesn't spend all day playing video games in his mom's basement. "She lived the way she thought matters, the way she thought was important."

Allison, unlike the rest of us lazy assholes, started Cattlemen Care in 2007, working with ranchers and slaughterhouses to donate beef to local groups like Caritas and the Settlement Home. Because who needs another tax write-off when you can just give it all away, am I right?

This saint on earth also organized volunteers for the Boys & Girls Club and other organizations, because some people just can't be bothered to help themselves. She even shuttled the Austin High football team in her car, because God forbid they walk.

"Allison was a force," said former Austin Boys & Girls Club Executive Director Brian Beaulieu. "People loved her, and so no one said no to Allison when she asked." No shit, Brian. We wouldn't want to incur her wrath and end up like Steve.

In her spare time, Allison baked bread, delivered flowers, hosted a women's mahjong club, and walked her neighbors' kids to their friends' houses, because Mary fucking Poppins over here just couldn't stop giving.

Oh, and did I mention she was also battling terminal ovarian cancer? For three years? And she still walked every day, tended to her monarch butterfly gardens, and hosted her mahjong club, because heaven help us if Allison ever slowed down.

"She never quit," said her friend, Catherine Miller. "She was still enjoying her quality of life."

Allison is survived by her husband, Steve; her four children, Temple, Treeman, Cole, and Katherine (because of course she has four kids); her mother, Katherine; and her sisters, because the patriarchy was somehow unable to keep this woman down.

Rest in peace, Allison. You've earned it. Unlike the rest of us pathetic sinners.