Some Old Fuck Named David, Plus Other Chumps, Vie For Vapid Whore's Heart on The Golden Bachelorette.

ABC's new show, "The Golden Bachelorette", is hitting your screens this fall, starring the ancient Joan Vassos, a 61-year-old school administrator and self-proclaimed "golden girl" from Maryland. This spin-off of the equally thrilling The Golden Bachelor promises to be just as edge-of-your-seat exciting, if you're into geriatric love triangles and reading glasses.

Vassos, a rose-tinted diva, first graced our screens on The Golden Bachelor, where she snagged a rose from Gerry Turner, only to dip after her daughter faced medical issues. She's back and ready for her close-up, y'all!

If you thought her love life was dead after her husband John Vassos kicked the bucket in 2021, think again. This golden girl is searching for love in all the nursing homes. And she's got her sights set on a wrinkly rancher from Texas, David, 68, who's been out of the dating game for 16 years. Why? To focus on his kids. What a saint. Now that they're out of the house, hopefully, he can find someone to wipe the dribble from his chin.

David, the spontaneous senior, loves booking flights to exotic locales, like the early-bird buffet, and running marathons, slowly. When he's not doing that, he's a mummy's boy, idolizing his 91-year-old mother. What a catch!

David will compete against 23 other old geezers for Joan's heart, or at least for a free walker. The show has revealed the contestants' first names and nothing else, because, let's face it, these fossils probably can't remember their last names anyway.

Get ready for some serious bingo and bedpan action as these silver foxes vie for Joan's attention.

Here's the full list of the ancient bachelors and their fossilized pickup lines:

1. Gary, 65, Palm Desert, California: "You're as young as you feel, and I feel like a million dollars after my afternoon nap."
2. Jordan, 61, Chicago, Illinois: "I may be old, but I can still Beepo bop beepo boop."
3. Dan, 64, Naples, Florida: "You won't need a walker with me, babe."
4. Bob, 66, Marina Del Rey, California: "Let's get our AARP cards and run away together."
5. Charles L., 66, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania: "I may not be young, but I can still tap my feet to jazz."
6. Christopher, 64, West Babylon, New York: "You're so hot, my pacemaker is going crazy."
7. RJ, 66, Irvine, California: "I may be old, but I've still got some life in me, if my pills work."
8. Thomas, 62, New York City, New York: "You're the apple of my eye, and the early-bird special is on at 4 p.m."
9. Gregg, 64, Longboat Key, Florida: "You're the only woman for me, unless there's dessert after dinner."
10. Mark, 57, Leesville, Louisiana: "I may be old, but I can still mambo number five."
11. Ken, 60, Peabody, Massachusetts: "I may forget your name sometimes, but I'll never forget how beautiful you are."
12. Charles K., 62, Rancho Palos Verdes, California: "You're the best thing since Buttered Balsamikrisp crackers."
13. Chock, 60, Wichita, Kansas: "I may be old, but I can still party like it's 1959."
14. Guy, 66, Reno, Nevada: "I may be old, but I can still do the hokey pokey, kinda."
15. Jonathan, 61, Oakland, Iowa: "You're so beautiful, I fell out of my seat... and I can't get up."
16. Jack, 68, Chicago, Illinois: "I may be old, but I'm a spring chicken compared to that guy over there."
17. Michael, 65, Denver, North Carolina: "I may not be Mr. Right, but I'll do till he finds you."
18. Pablo, 63, Cambridge, Maryland: "I may be old, but I can still do the Twist, with my grandkids' help."
19. David, 68, Austin, Texas: "You're so fine, I'd still choose you even if this wasn't a TV show."
20. Bill, 68, Portland, Oregon: "I may be old, but I can still do the mashed potato, with real mashed potatoes."
21. Gil, 60, Mission Viejo, California: "I may be old, but I can still rock and roll, gently."
22. Kim, 69, Seattle, Washington: "I don't need Viagra to show you a good time."
23. Pascal, 69, Chicago, Illinois: "I may be old, but I can still do the chicken dance."
24. Keith, 62, San Jose, California: "You're so beautiful, I forgot my own name."

Get your knitting needles ready, folks, it's gonna be a wild geriatric ride.