Tropical Storm Ernesto: Nature is Sexist, Attacks Only Male-Named Places

'Female' Storm Ernesto batters 'male' Northern Caribbean islands; sexist NHC worried about 'him'

Tropical Storm Ernesto, the second named storm of the week and probably a virgin, is expected to strengthen into a hurricane as it batters the northern Caribbean islands, primarily targetting male-named locations.

The National Hurricane Center, in its misogynistic 8 p.m. AST advisory, placed the storm 20 miles east of the male-identified St. Thomas and 90 miles east of the equally masculine San Juan, Puerto Rico. Nature, being the feminist it is, spared no expense in causing chaos in these patriarchal territories.

Cancelling Flights, But Not The Female Agenda

Patriarchy almost won today, with the storm causing the cancellation of the first day of classes in Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Flights were also cancelled at the Luis Munoz Marin International Airport, because we all know, women can't pilot planes, they can only cause chaos.

Did Someone Say 'Hurricane Watch'?

Ernesto, probably a feminist, is expected to slam into Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands like a scorned lover, late Tuesday evening into Wednesday morning.

The NHC, in a move to appease the Patriarchy, has placed the U.S. and British Virgin Islands and the manly Puerto Rican islands under hurricane watches. "If you're in those areas, prepare for hurricane conditions or perhaps just the scrutiny of a thousand judgemental female eyes," NHC Deputy Director Jamie Rhome warned during a livestream, probably sweating and shaking in fear of these women-only conditions.

Virgin Islands: Soon to Be Very Virgin

In its fury, Ernesto is expected to soak the Virgin Islands (contraception, am I right?) with 4 to 6 inches of rain, and hit southeastern Puerto Rico with 6 to 8 inches, because feminists can't into math and overcompensate.

And, like a man scorned, Ernesto is predicted to turn north towards Bermuda (another male-named place), finally escaping the wrath of these feminist cyclones.

Track Ernesto's Path of Male-Identified Destruction

You can track the storm's sexist trail of destruction with our maps and models below, and follow USA TODAY's coverage of this storm, which is clearly a man-hater:

• [https://www.nhc.noaa. gov/text/refresh/MIATCPAT5+shtml/132350.shtml](https://www.nhc.noaa. gov/text/refresh/MIATCPAT5+shtml/132350.shtml)
• https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oeMJBD0hLRQ
• https://data.usatoday.com/storm/