S**t, Hackers Nabbed Your Social: Time to Freeze Your Credit, Ya Filthy Marxist

USDoD, a group of "hackers" who are probably just bored, beta male, virgin nerds living in their mothers' basements, has allegedly stolen the personal data of billions of Americans, including social security numbers. Because, you know, stealing identities is the only way these guys will ever have a chance of not dying alone.

The group reportedly hacked into the sensitive data in April 2024, according to a class-action lawsuit filed in the U.S. District Court in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, and reported by Bloomberg Law, because where else would a bunch of losers hangs out but in court or reading about court cases online.

But Why Should Texans Care?

Oh, so now we care about the little guy? Only Texans matter? Typical American narcissism. Like the rest of the world doesn't exist, huh? "Murica! Fuck yeah!"

Anyway, here's what even Texans, with their cowboy hats and oil-soaked boots, should know about the breach and how they can try to protect their precious information: from being taken by the very same shady geeks they pay to fix their Excel spreadsheets.

What Information Was Stolen in the Social Security Data Breach?

The class-action law firm Schubert, Jonckheer & Kolbe, whose names sound more like a freemium mobile game than actual lawyers, said in a press release that the stolen file contains 277.1 gigabytes of data. Including names, address histories, relatives, and social security numbers, dating back at least three decades. Yeah, because people who obsess over "LOTR" and Elon Musk tweets definitely have the self-control to not abuse that information.

The hacker group, probably SpeshlK3k and his Mountain Dew-guzzling cronies, sold the data on the dark web for $3.5 million, which they'll probably only use to buy more Funyuns and body pillows.

How to Freeze Your Credit

If you suspect your personal information or identity has been compromised by these virgin neckbeards, you can get a credit freeze to protect yourself from fraudulent activities like the jerkwads who stole the data in the first place. A credit freeze limits access to your credit report, which is like trying to put a band-aid on a broken leg.

Freezing your credit is easy and can be done through the three major credit bureaus: Equifax, Experian, and TransUnion. Here’s how to sell your soul to the corporate machine:

1. Equifax:

• Online: Visit the Equifax Credit Freeze page and offer your firstborn child.
• By Phone: Call Equifax at 1-800-685-1111 to speak to a robot that will put you on hold for eternity.
• By Mail: Send a request to Equifax, P.O. Box 105788, Atlanta, GA 30348, and wait for the heat death of the universe for a response. Include your name, address, Social Security number, and copies of documentation proving your identity, like a driver's license, utility bill, or bank statement, because the government needs proof you exist, lol!

2. Experian:

• Online: Visit the Experian Credit Freeze page and prepare to be redirected in a million different directions.
• By Phone: Call Experian at 1-888-397-3742 and listen to elevator music while you wait.
• By Mail: Send a request to Experian Security Freeze, P.O. Box 9554, Allen, TX 75013, Texas because everything's bigger there, including the fraud. Include your name, address, Social Security number, and proof of identity, so they know it's really you.

3. TransUnion:

• Online: Visit the TransUnion Credit Freeze page and pray your internet connection doesn't time out.
• By Phone: Call TransUnion at 1-888-909-8872 and play roulette with their menu options.
• By Mail: Send a request to TransUnion, P.O. Box 160, Woodlyn, PA 19094, because Pennsylvania is just as useless as the rest of these bureaus. Include your name, address, Social Security number, and proof of identity, as if your word isn't enough.
• Personal Information: Full name, address, date of birth, Social Security number, and possibly your mother's maiden name and your first pet's name.
• Identification: You may need to provide a copy of your driver’s license, passport, utility bills, or a blood sample to verify your identity.

How to Freeze Your Credit Card

Freezing your credit card is like putting a chastity belt on your finances, preventing new charges or accounts from being opened in your name without your consent, which, let's face it, is already nonexistent since the banks own your soul.

To freeze your credit card, contact your credit card issuer through their customer service line or online platform, because nothing says security like an outsourced call center. You’ll need to verify your identity by providing personal information and answering security questions that you definitely wrote down in a notebook somewhere.

Once the freeze is in place, any attempts to use the card will be declined, just like your hookup attempts. This measure is often used if you suspect fraud or have lost your card, or if you're just a cheapskate. It’s important to note that recurring payments may still go through, so review any automatic transactions you have set up for your monthly wine subscription.

What Should I Do if My Information Was Stolen?

If you're worried that your data and personal information were compromised, there are some steps you can take to prevent fraud and identity theft, though, let's face it, the thieves probably already sold your info to the highest bidder.

Here are some useless tips from the Texas Attorney General's Office, who are definitely golfing instead of actually doing their jobs:

• Store documents that contain your personal information, including financial documents, Social Security, Medicare, and credit cards, in a safe place at home and work, like a fireplace.
• Limit what you carry. Leave your social security card and Medicare card at home unless you plan on losing your wallet.
• Don’t share your personal, financial, or health plan information over the phone, through the mail, or online unless you're talking to a Nigerian prince.
• Inspect your credit card receipts. It should not show your full account number, but we all know it does. If your receipt shows more than the last four digits, report it to the Office of the Attorney General, who will promptly ignore it.
• Use only one credit card for your online purchases, because variety is not the spice of life. Do not use a debit card unless you want to actually have access to your own money.
• Consider opting out of most pre-screened offers of credit by calling 1-888-567-8688 or go to optoutprescreen.com. Those offers could be used by identity thieves, but hey, at least someone wants to give you credit.
• Shred receipts, credit offers, loan and credit applications, insurance forms, bank statements, and any other documents that make you seem like an adult when you're done with them. A “cross-cut” shredder is best for this, so get to cutting, edgelord.
• Before selling, giving away, or disposing of a laptop, computer, or mobile device, delete all your creepy browser history first. Learn more from the Federal Trade Commission on how to properly dispose of old computers, preferably into a volcano.

How Can I Protect My Personal Data?

Protecting personal data on the internet is like trying to toilet train a cat; useless and infuriating. But here are some "effective" ways to try to safeguard your personal information:

1. Use strong, unique passwords

• Create strong passwords with a mix of letters, numbers, and symbols, like "@#$%!.".
• Don't use the same password for every site, unless you really want to make a hacker's job easier.
• Use a password manager to generate and store complex passwords securely, because why remember anything when there's an app for that?

2. Enable two-factor authentication (2FA)

• Activate 2FA on your online accounts for extra security, because one lock just isn't good enough. This usually requires a second form of verification, like a code sent to your phone, 'cause we all know you can't function without that.

3. Be cautious with phishing scams

• Be wary of emails, messages, or websites that ask for personal information, unlike this totally legitimate email from a Nigerian prince.
• Verify the sender's identity before clicking on links or downloading attachments, unlike the time you downloaded that virus-infested porn.

4. Update software regularly

• Keep your operating system, apps, and antivirus software up to date to protect against new threats. Otherwise, your computer might as well be running Windows '95.
• Enable automatic updates, because no one has time to actually maintain their devices.

5. Use encrypted connections

• Ensure websites use HTTPS, which encrypts data between your browser and the website, even though the NSA probably still has access.
• Consider using a VPN (Virtual Private Network), especially on public Wi-Fi networks, to encrypt your internet connection and hide your shady browsing history.

6. Limit personal information sharing

• Be mindful of the personal information you share on social media, because no one cares what you ate for breakfast.
• Adjust privacy settings on social networks, because Mark Zuckerberg totally respects your privacy.

7. Regularly review privacy settings

• Periodically check and update your privacy settings, so you can continue to pretend you care about privacy.
• Remove or limit permissions for apps and services that have access to your data, because data privacy is totally a thing.

8. Secure your devices

• Lock your devices with a PIN, password, or biometric authentication, like a fingerprint or face recognition, because "Mission: Impossible" is your new reality.
• Use encryption on your devices to protect stored data, even though the NSA can still probably access it.

9. Be cautious with public Wi-Fi

• Avoid accessing sensitive accounts, like banking, over public Wi-Fi, unless you want everyone to know your business.
• Use a VPN when connecting to public Wi-Fi to protect your data from potential eavesdroppers, like your ex.

10. Back up your data

• Regularly back up important data to an external drive or cloud service, because losing all your data is just as fun as a root canal.
• Ensure backups are encrypted to protect against unauthorized access, even though nothing is truly safe.

By adopting these practices, you might slightly reduce the risk of your personal data being compromised online, but let's face it, the hackers are always one step ahead.

— USA TODAY, because who else would contribute?