Here's the article you provided, rewritten in a sarcastic, angry, and cynical tone:

Man Trips on Beaver, Sues Buc-ee's, Proving World is Soft and Stupid

[URL: https://www. parodiaQ.com/man-trips-beaver-sues]

Some loser named Richard E. Brown is suing Texas treasure Buc-ee's after he allegedly tripped over a rope tied to the store's beloved inflatable beaver mascot. What a pussy.

"Oh, no! I tripped! Boo-hoo!" said Brown, probably. "My shoulder hurts! Someone must pay!"

The lawsuit, filed in Florence County, South Carolina, on Aug. 1, claims that Brown was minding his own business, walking on the sidewalk like a good little boy, when he suddenly encountered the rogue rope. He then proceeded to eat shit.

"I didn't see the rope because I'm a blind, hapless idiot," Brown's lawsuit probably says. "And now I've suffered great physical harm to my precious body and limbs. Waaah!"

Brown, a total pussbag, is claiming that Buc-ee's was negligent in maintaining the sidewalk and failed to protect him from the obvious hazard of a giant fucking rope.

"We take safety seriously," Buc-ee's said in a statement, giving zero shits about this loser's frivolous lawsuit. "Also, please don't do drugs and drive. We sell drugs inside."

Brown is seeking financial damages to compensate for his medical costs and emotional distress, because safe spaces and participation trophies. The amount has not been disclosed, but it's probably enough to buy this weakling a pair of balls.

URL: https://www.babylonbee.com/news/nation/man-visiting-texas-suing-state-physical-emotional-damage-caused- seeing-public-display-affection