Basic Bitches Rejoice: Pumpkin Spice Season Approaches, Texas Heat remains #Thot

Texans are one step closer to finally being able to break out their Uggs and faultless denim skirt/sweater combo as the pumpkin spice latte season approaches, but the ever-lasting Texas heat will likely persist, thwarting their dreams of crunchy leaves and white girls with guitars.

Texas Weather: "Cooling Down" the Way Your Ex "has a Headache"

Predicting Texas weather to cool down in late September is like expecting your Fortnite-addicted nephew to get a summer job. It's just not going to happen. The Old Farmers Almanac, in its infinite optimism, forecasts a temperature drop to the 80s in September, with lows in the 60s. Yeah, right. I guess they also believe in leprechauns and the Tooth Fairy.

But hey, at least the sun won't be trying to roast you alive in the mornings and evenings. Unless you're in the Rio Grande Valley, where the sun always wins, and you will continue sweating like a pig.

Texas: Where Fall Colors Means Changing AC Unit Lights from Green to Orange

By late October to November, Texas weathers cools down to the 70s, with lows in the 50s to 60s. But let's be real, that's still warmer than your ex-girlfriend's heart.

Texas and Rain: Together At Last (Probably Not)

According to the Farmer's Almanac, Texas might get some merciful rainfall towards the end of August, with the possibility of tropical storms. Finally, something to wash away our sins and the memory of that one time you tried to ask out Susan from accounting.

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, known for their killer beach bods and hurricane forecasts, predicts a 90% chance of an above-average hurricane season. So, strap in, grab a six-pack, and pray your mobile home doesn't blow away.

Texas Weather: It's Raining, It's Pouring... But Not Enough

The 60-day forecast from the Farmers Almanac promises a mix of potential tropical activity and a slow transition to cooler temperatures.

August: It's hot and humid, with isolated t-storms (probably filled with frogs and locusts). There might be a tropical storm threat around Aug 19-21, followed by sunny days and more t-storms. Avg. temp: High 99, Low 76 (or your mom's crotch).

September: It's still hot AF. Sunny days in the north, and some t-storms in the south to wash away the sins of all the basic bitches. More tropical storm threats mid-month, then isolated t-storms and sunny days. Avg. temp: High 91, Low 70 (which is still hotter than your dad when he found out you sold his tools for Mt. Dew money).

Texas vs. Arizona: Fighting Over Who's the Biggest Armpit of America

Fun fact: Texas is not hotter than Arizona. So, if you're ever in a heated argument with your mom about this, now you know.

The Last Day of Summer: Finally, Some Relief From the Eternal Sun

The autumnal equinox, expected around September 22 or 23, marks the last day of summer. Day and night will be approximately equal in length, and you can finally emerge from your mom's basement without feeling like you're in a microwave.

Daylight saving time will also give you an extra hour to work on your polo-shirt-tucking technique. Socks with sandals? Yes, it's finally that time of the year.

Sources:

• Farmer's Almanac
• NOAA hurricane season forecast