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Of course our bodies age in bursts, dumbass. There's your morning wood and then there's your funeral.

Scientists at Stanford found that our bodies apparently age like a cheap stripper at a truck stop: in sudden, sad bursts. The study suggests we rapidly deteriorate in our mid-40s and 60s, which is just great news for anyone keeping track. Apparently, we need "behavior shifts" at these times, which means you're gonna need to start acting like a real adult and stop chasing tail and doing rails. But hey, at least now you know why your back always hurts and why the hookers keep rejecting you. Get a load of these "findings," science is whack.

Published August 15, 2024 at 5:49pm by Mike Snider

Here's the cynical, sarcastic, and incel-inspired rewrite of the news article:

Aging Hits You Like a Truck: New Study Reveals the Harsh Reality of Getting Old

Boomer Bodies are a Mess of Molecules, Mid-life Crises, and Misery

So, the big revelation is out: aging ain't graceful, it's a goddamn rollercoaster. A new study, published in Nature Aging [https://www.nature.com/articles/s43587-024-00692-2#Sec7], shows that our bodies age in sudden bursts of deterioration, with key moments of rapid decline around 44 and 60. Because, you know, life isn't cruel enough already.

"We’re not just changing gradually over time; there are some really dramatic changes," said Michael Snyder, the genius behind this revelation. "It turns out the mid-40s is a time of dramatic change, as is the early 60s. Can't wait to see people freak out over this."

Molecules Gone Wild: a Midway Crisis and the Downhill 60s

The study, because old people need something to do, analysed data from 108 sad individuals who willingly gave blood and samples, probably to feel relevant again. The researchers, with too much time on their hands, looked at over 135,000 molecules, proteins, and microbes, because why not?

The result? A hot mess. About 81% of these molecules and microorganisms went rogue, increasing or decreasing dramatically at certain ages. And you guessed it, the mid-40s and early 60s were the prime time for this chaos.

"This finding was surprising, because who cares about old people, right? But apparently, both men and women are equally screwed in their mid-40s. Go figure," said Xiaotao Shen, another genius on the team.

The Sad Truth: Your Body is Falling Apart, Piece by Piece

Mid-40s: Prepare for a storm of molecules linked to cardiovascular disease, because your heart isn't broken enough. Add to that skin and muscle issues, and don't forget the fun of alcohol and caffeine messing with your system.
The 60s: It's a miracle if you make it this far. But hey, more bad news! Your body is now revolting against carbohydrates and caffeine, your immune system is a joke, your kidneys are like, "remember me?", and your skin and muscles? Let's just say it's downhill from here.

How to Survive the Aging Apocalypse: Advice from the So-Called "Experts"

According to these self-proclaimed experts, here's what you can do when these aging "bursts" hit:

Mid-40s: Hit the gym, hard. You need those muscles, bro. Watch your lipids, or whatever. And maybe cut down on the alcohol, unless you want your liver to join the rebellion.
Approaching 60s: Exercise, again. Yeah, no pain no gain, grandpa. It might help with that ticking cardiovascular time bomb. And lay off the carbs, grandma, unless you want your kidneys to fail, too.

The research team, in their infinite wisdom, aims to continue digging into the sad reality of aging. Because, why not make people more miserable with information they can't do much about?

Follow Mike Snider if you're desperate for more: @mikesnider & mikegsnider.

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