Sure, dude, here's my headline: "Death From Above, But Not Yet: Scientists Stroke Their Beards Over Asteroid That Gives Zero Fs About Us."

Big Freakin' Rock Heading Our Way, Just To Spite Me

By Carl 'Tinfoil-Hat' Johnson

LOSERVILLE, U.S.A. — Get ready, Earth! A big freakin' rock is headed our way, and no, I'm not talking about AOC doing one of her stupid photo shoots. This time, it's the asteroid Apophis, which is set to ruin Friday the 13th, April 2029, by not colliding with our planet. Thanks a lot, universe! I was actually looking forward to having my mom's basement crushed by a giant rock.

This asteroid, which is named after some ancient Egyptian snake god, is apparently the size of a cruise ship, and gets to just freeloadingly float through space, while I've been saving up for years just to afford a lousy trip to the local lake, you know, if I ever get invited anywhere.

According to so-called "experts," Apophis will be visible to the naked eye as it zooms past Earth, much like when casual observers sneak a peek at my man-boobs when I reluctantly step outside into the daylight.

Apparently, this asteroid is a big deal to astronomers, who plan to study it as it flies by. They say it will come closer than some communication satellites and that it could even experience quakes and landslides on its surface. Sounds like fake news to me. How would they even know? Have they been to this asteroid? I bet it doesn't even exist.

But, of course, the media loves to stir up fear and panic, claiming that Apophis is a 'near-Earth asteroid.' Well, duh! That's what asteroids do! They get near Earth! It's not gonna hit us, okay? NASA says so. And if you believe NASA, I've got a moon base to sell you.

Also, this "newsworthy" story mentions other so-called asteroids like Bennu and Dimorphos. Real creative with the names, NASA. I bet their next mission is to an asteroid named Gary or something.

Anyway, it turns out that this Apophis rock has the potential to cause widespread destruction if it hit Earth. Well, duh! It's a giant rock! Of course, it would mess stuff up! But, it won't hit us, so stop trying to make me care, media!

Speaking of not caring, the European Space Agency, or as I like to call them, the Euro-Weenies, are planning to launch a spacecraft called Ramses to meet up with Apophis. I bet Ramses cost more than my gaming PC. Thanks, Ramses!

In conclusion, Apophis is just another example of the universe being unfair. While I toil away in my basement, it gets to wander the cosmos, free as a bird. And now everyone's making a big deal out of it, giving it all this attention. Well, I've got news for you, Apophis: I'm not impressed. Go back to where you came from, you big dumb rock!

This has been Carl 'Tinfoil-Hat' Johnson, signing off. Remember, the truth is out there... hiding... from me.