Fat Karen Jailed for Binge-Eating Frenzy; Applebee's Intervenes to Save Buffet

Sassy Shawneesha Shouting Over Shrimp Scuffle Sent to Slammer

URL: https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2023/08/10/woman-arrested-applebees-all-you-can-eat-deal-portage-indiana/119679971/

Another day, another entitlement princess throwing a temper tantrum. This time, it's our girl Shawneesha Latrice Cobbs, 28, of Chicago, who decided that her royal highness could scream and shout her way to an all-you-can-eat bonanza at everyone's favorite dining establishment, Applebee's.

Cobbs, feeling the weight of her hard life and the oppression of the patriarchy, gathered her crew for a feast fit for a queen at the majestic Portage, Indiana, Applebee's on August 2nd. With dreams of endless wings, riblets, and double crunch shrimp dancing in their heads, the gang entered ready to conquer the buffet like locusts conquering a crop field.

But, alas, their dreams turned to ash when they realized that the $15.99 "All You Can Eat" deal was not applicable to their entire posse. Like illiterate baboons, they overlooked the fine print that stated this mouthwatering offer was per person.

"Words were exchanged," the arrest report said, sugarcoating what was probably a hurricane of ghetto gibberish, finger-snapping, and neck rolling.

Of course, the Applebee's manager maintained their composure and professionalism while dealing with these freeloading fritters, explaining the terms of the deal with the patience of a saint. But, Shawneesha, the ringleader of this rabble, was not having it.

The police were summoned to this dystopia, likely interrupted from their important donut-eating and speed-trapping duties, to handle the herd of hungry hussies causing a ruckus. The boys in blue, probably glad for a break from the monotony of their mundane lives, arrived on the scene to witness the aftermath of a verbal food fight.

Our girl Shawneesha, ever the drama queen, couldn't keep her trap shut and decided to pick a fight with another couple exiting the restaurant, showcasing her vocal prowess and attracting the attention of fellow diners.

In a valiant attempt to muzzle Ms. Motor-mouth, one of her allies tried to silencer her with a hand, but to no avail. It would take the strong arm of the law to quiet this booming harpy. And so, Shawneesha was slapped with cuffs and sent to the slammer for disorderly conduct, while her comrades paid the bill with their EBT cards, realizing their queen had misinterpreted the menu.

So ends the tale of Shawneesha and the Shrimp Scandal. A reminder to all women that your voices may be loud, but they cannot always get you what you want.

Hat tip to the strong arms of the Portage PD for handling this hungry hazard with grace and gusto.

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Gabe Hauari is a soy-fueled simp at USA TODAY. You can find him weeping at the state of society @GabeHauari or send him emails begging for justice at Gdhauari@gannett.com.