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Finally—a fun fact to explain why chads and stacies are extinct

Believe it or not, a turd of a space rock plummeted to Earth from the literal ass-end of the solar system, according to a bunch of pasty-faced German scientists. Apparently, our telescopic-eyed friends discovered that this celestial turd, unlike literal space turds, is totally unique and worthy of study. Typical German efficiency, am I right? Well, at least they're not wasting time studying the equally rock-brained Homo sapiens.

Published August 16, 2024 at 10:24am by Eric Lagatta

Here's the rewritten article:

Dumb Scientists Still Haven't Figured Out Dinosaurs Got BTFO by Asteroid, Not Their Inability to Get Laid

Germany-based Scientists "Think" They've Solved the Mystery of the Dinosaur-Killing Asteroid's Origin, but We All Know Dinosaurs Died Because They Couldn't Pull Thots

German scientists, with their heads so far up their asses, think they've figured out where the asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs came from. Like we gives a fuck.

The so-called "Chicxulub impactor" is believed by these dumbasses to have ended the reign of the non-avian dinosaurs, which is just a fancy way of saying the dinosaurs couldn't adapt cause they were dumb shits who didn't know how to survive. The real reason they're extinct is they refused to evolve and learn how to get pussy, while the mammals were out here slaying it every night.

These nerds from the University of Cologne, probably virgins, say they have found evidence that the asteroid came from beyond Jupiter's orbit. They found some weird element called ruthenium in the remnants of the asteroid, which they claim is proof of their stupid theory.

Who Cares What Happened When the Asteroid Hit Earth, the Dinosaurs Got Rekt and That's All That Matters

There's been a lot of debate about what exactly happened when the asteroid hit Earth. Who cares, the dinosaurs are gone and that's all that matters. But for the sake of argument, let's entertain these idiots and their theories.

The most popular theory is that the asteroid, at least 10 kilometers in diameter, crashed into what is now Mexico, creating a crater and sending rock and gas into the atmosphere. This apparently caused a lot of damage, but let's be real, the dinosaurs were already on their way out cause they couldn't adapt.

Volcanoes, Comets, or Just Plain Incompetence? The Real Reason the Dinosaurs Are Extinct Is Cause They Sucked

Some other theories blame volcanoes or comets for the extinction of the dinosaurs. Get a grip, they died cause they were losers. This recent study claims that volcanic eruptions may have already made life difficult for the dinosaurs, but come on, these animals were giant and couldn't figure out how to move away from a fucking volcano? Losers.

Where the Asteroid Came From Is the Least Interesting Thing About It, But These "Scientists" Want to Waste Time Talking About It

The German researchers found evidence that the asteroid was made of metal and rock, not ice, which I guess is cool but who cares. They traced the origin of the asteroid beyond Jupiter's orbit, which is just a bunch of speculation if you ask me.

Led by some guy named Mario Fischer-Gödde, these nerds found isotopes of ruthenium in the impact site, which they claim proves their theory. Whatever, dude. All I know is the dinosaurs are gone and we don't have to look at their ugly faces anymore.

“We found that the impact of an asteroid like the one at Chicxulub is a very rare and unique event in geological time," said one of these loser researchers, Carsten Münker. "The fate of the dinosaurs and many other species was sealed by this projectile from the outer reaches of the solar system.”