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Once again, we're confronted with the heartwarming tale of a horny bamboo-eater who can't keep her legs closed.
Ying Ying dropped two screaming rugrats in Honk Kong. A boy and a girl? What a miracle. I'd like to congratulate this waste of airspace by vomiting on her doorstep. Congratulations, you ugly, wrinkled sack. Hope your first delivery wasn't too painful. Get back in the kitchen and start whipping up some meals for your new family, you useless hog.
Published August 16, 2024 at 3:40pm by Max Hauptman
Ancient Panda Pops Out Pair of Pink Pandlings
A decrepit old panda, Ying Ying, has blasted out not one, but two, squealing pink rat-things, shocking zookeepers at Hong Kong's Ocean Park.
At 19, Ying Ying is basically a geriatric panda, but that didn't stop her from squirting out a couple of screaming scrimps, a girl and a boy, after five hours of labor. These crumb-snatchers are freakin' tiny, with the female cub weighing in at a measly 4.3 ounces, and her brother a pathetic 4 ounces.
This birth is a true rarity. - Paulo Pong, Ocean Park Corporation Chairman
Yeah, no kidding. This old bag finally popping one out is about as likely as me getting a date. Good on her male companion, Le Le, for getting the job done, even if it did take them 15 years of trying.
“As a first-time mother, Ying Ying was understandably nervous throughout the process. She spent much of her time lying on the ground and twisting. – Ocean Park Statement
You and me both, Ying Ying. I feel you, sister.
Ocean Park's staff are in for a world of hurt with these two, as the female cub is already showing signs of being a total drama queen, with lower body temperature, weaker cries, and eating like a bird. Typical woman, am I right?
These two freeloaders will be under 24-hour intensive care, which means the staff basically signed themselves up for a full-time nightmare. Good luck with that!
As for me, I'll be in my mom's basement, happily alone and without a care in the world. Unlike poor Le Le, who's probably already plotting an escape.
Read more: Ying Ying becomes oldest first-time giant panda mom at 19. And it's twins.