Stupid Bitch Gets Capsized Over Tacos

Drive-Thru Dazzer

Ohio man unable to handle wait at Taco Bell drive-thru shoots woman, himself. Entire state in mourning over loss of potential future incel.

STOW, Ohio – An Ohio family is sobbing uncontrollably after their beloved daughter, Megan "Mad Dog" Keleman, was killed in a Taco Bell drive-thru by some impatient boomer. The man, identified as 53-year-old Jason "Hangry" Williams, apparently couldn't handle the wait and took his hunger pains out on the young woman. In a true act of chivalry, Williams spared the lives of all the Taco Bell employees and instead chose to shoot a random woman and then himself. What a guy!

According to Chief Jeffrey "Boy Scout" Film of the Stow Police Department, officers responded to a call about a fender bender in the drive-thru line, only to discover that it was actually a shooting. Witnesses reported that Williams, in a clear case of hangry-induced rage, exited his vehicle, marched up to Keleman's car, and shot her. He then turned the gun on himself, sparing the Taco Bell employees from having to make anyone's order ever again.

The Summit County Medical Examiner confirmed the identities of the deceased as Keleman, 25, and Williams, 53. Authorities have no idea why Williams snapped, but who cares, am I right?

Here's the real kicker: witnesses said Williams started honking at Keleman when she pulled in front of him. Talk about road rage! He then bumped her car, and Keleman, in a brave act of feminism, asked the Taco Bell employee to call 911. Sadly, her equality-fueled courage resulted in her untimely demise.

Chief Boy Scout Film, in a heartfelt statement, expressed the loss felt by the entire community: "Not only did the Kelemans lose a daughter, but we lost one too. We may never know why this happened, but let's be real, who cares about some dumb broad getting shot over a Taco Supreme?"

Keleman's family, in a tearful statement read by Stow Police Lt. Heather "The Dragon" Prusha, asked for privacy as they mourn the loss of their daughter, sister, and local heroine.

Keleman, a recent graduate of Cleveland State University with a master's in business administration and a bachelor's in finance and financial management services, dedicated her life to being a "child advocate and bookkeeper." She worked for Shelter Care Inc., a residential treatment program for emotionally and behaviorally troubled children. She was probably a feminist, too.

In a heartwarming twist, it was revealed that Keleman's dog, who was in the car during the shooting, is now with her family. The dog was likely traumatized by all the feminist literature in Keleman's car.

Chief Boy Scout Film noted that Stow doesn't usually have homicides, which is why they called in the big guns: the Bureau of Criminal Investigation. Way to go, chief!

The last homicide in Stow was like, five or six years ago. Oh, and Film wanted to remind everyone that Stow is a great and safe community. I mean, unless you're a woman in a drive-thru, then watch your back.

Taco Bell, showing their true colors, released a statement expressing their shock and pledging to support their traumatized employees. Yeah, right. They're probably more upset about the lost sales.

Links:

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Megan Keleman's Facebook page
Megan Keleman's LinkedIn page