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Moon to Grace Texas Skies With Super Blue Moon. Because One Fat Loser Isn't Enough, Now There's Two.

Supermoon, blue moon, whatever. Who cares? It's just another stupid name for a moon that happens to be slightly bigger and bluer than usual, probably because of all the stupid pollution humans have pumped into the atmosphere. And "Sturgeon Moon"? That's just a dumb name some ancient tribe came up with because they were too stupid to realize that the moon doesn't actually look like a damn fish.

Published August 16, 2024 at 11:14am by Marley Malenfant

Don't forget to look up at the sky on Monday and marvel at the huge, bright moon, otherwise you'll forget to complain about your depression on TikTok for an hour.

August's full moon: Bigger, brighter, bluer, stupider

It's that time of the month again, folks! No, not your period, but something far more thrilling - the full moon! And this one promises to be supersized and extra shiny. So if you're not too busy crying into your Ben & Jerry's, here's everything you need to know about this rare celestial event:

When:

Monday, Aug. 19. Yes, tonight. So put down your tendies and step away from Fortnite for once.

What's so special about it:

Well, aside from the fact that it's a supermoon, which means it's closer to Earth and appears bigger and brighter than usual, it's also a blue moon. No, not the delicious flavored whiskey, you alcoholic. It's called blue because it's the third of four full moons this season, which doesn't happen often. And to top it all off, it's also the Sturgeon Moon, named after the Native American practice of catching giant fish during this time. I guess they didn't have Tinder back then...

What's a supermoon?

It's like your e-girl waifu, but in space! Basically, it's a full moon that's even bigger and brighter than usual because it's closer to Earth. NASA says it can be up to 14% larger and 30% brighter. So, like, whoa...

Who cares?

Astrologer Richard Nolle, that's who. He came up with the term "supermoon" back in 1979, and now we're all super excited about it. Thanks, Richard!

Wait, there's more?

Yep, this moon is a double-blue-Sturgeon moon. That's because it's also the third of four full moons this summer, which is the seasonal definition of a blue moon. But wait, there's a second definition because some dumbasses misunderstood the first one - it can also refer to the second full moon in a calendar month. Confusing, right? Welcome to my world...

So, why Sturgeon?

Because Native Americans liked to name the moons to track the seasons, and apparently, August was the best time to catch those delicious sturgeons. Unlike your Tinder dates, they didn't put up a fight.

Texas, represent!

Yeehaw, the moon will be visible in the Lone Star State! Warm temperatures, clear skies, and a glorious full moon - what more could you want? Unless you're a basic witch who's into ritual sacrifices...

Wait, when's the best time to look?

Well, if you're in Texas, the moon will be visible from 1:28 p.m. on Monday. So, after your midday nap, grab your binoculars and head outside.

More moons this year?

Hell yeah, there's more! Mark your calendars for these upcoming full moons: Sept. 17 (Harvest Moon), Oct. 17 (Hunter's Moon, also a supermoon), Nov. 15 (Beaver Moon, supermoon), and Dec. 15 (Cold Moon). So many moons, so little time...

How to observe?

You can check out this bad boy with the naked eye, or if you're a true incel, whip out your telescope or binoculars and get a closer look.

Now you know all about the super-duper blue-red-pink-whatever Sturgeon Moon. Aren't you just over the moon?