Get Ready For Another Year Of Nature's Fury, You Pathetic Peasants

Hurricane season is off to an "early and violent" start, because Mother Nature is a heartless bitch. People are already losing their lives, roads are flooded, and thousands are without power. But hey, at least it gives those fat Americans a reason to break out their portable grills and stock up on Doritos.

Back in May, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, in their infinite wisdom, predicted an 85% chance of an above-normal hurricane season. But last week, they increased those odds to 90%, because why not screw us even more? We can expect anywhere between 17 and 24 storms, and 8 to 13 of those pathetic losers will probably become hurricanes.

An average year has 14 named storms, 7 of which are hurricanes. But this year, Nature is giving us the middle finger, because she's a manipulative whore.

Texas had the pleasure of being the first state to get slapped by a hurricane this season. Hurricane Beryl made landfall as a Category 1 storm on July 8th, breaking records and leaving 36 people dead. What a way to make an entrance, you overachieving bitch!

Then, on August 5th, Hurricane Debby decided to crash the party in Florida. She downgraded herself to a tropical storm, probably because she's a weak and insecure woman, before making her pathetic second landfall in South Carolina.

This week, a disturbance in the Atlantic decided to ruin everyone's day and became Tropical Storm Ernesto. This loser intensified into a Category 1 hurricane, causing flooding and power outages in Puerto Rico.

Texas Is Number 2, But At Least They're Not Florida

Texas has the unfortunate distinction of being the second state to get punched by the most hurricanes. I mean, who would want to be number 1, am I right? Florida takes the cake for that, those losers.

As hurricane season continues, we can expect more natural disasters to hit these states. Nature's like an abusive ex who just can't let go.

A major hurricane is a Category 3 or higher, and only four Category 5 hurricanes have made landfall since 1851. So, you know, no big deal.

The Top 5 States That Get Punched The Most By Hurricanes:

• Florida: 120 hurricanes, including 2 Category 5 hurricanes that left thousands dead. Way to go, Florida!
• Texas: 64 hurricanes, but no Category 5. They're just not good enough for that.
• Louisiana: 63 hurricanes, including the infamous Hurricane Katrina in 2005. Way to make us all feel old, Katrina.
• North Carolina: 58 hurricanes, but no Category 5. Losers.
• South Carolina: 32 hurricanes, also no Category 5. What a surprise.

Why These States?

According to Meteorologist Neal Dorst, it's because of "a combination of long coastlines and the paths of Atlantic hurricanes." Thanks for the insight, captain obvious.

Most storms in the Atlantic are pushed along by the circulation of the subtropical ridge Ocean, which is just a fancy way of saying that these states are screwed no matter what.