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"Austin Schools to Teach Kids Fireproof Lessons in Hell-Like Heat Wave"

Central Texas is turning up the heat for AISD's first week of school, so get ready for a week of sweaty armpits and burnt scrotums as the temperature decides to go full kamikaze. Thanks, Texas, for making sure the kids are either fried or dehydrated by the end of the week.

Published August 18, 2024 at 12:28pm by Bianca Moreno-Paz

Austin Weather: Get Ready For A Scorching Week Of Pure Hell

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Another day, another reason to hate living in this godforsaken city. If the hipsters and taco trucks don't drive you out, the weather will. Get ready, losers, because according to the National Weather Service, we're in for a treat.

A wave of blistering temperatures is expected. - Emily Heller, National Weather Service meteorologist

Yes, Emily, tell us something we don't know. We've been stuck in this Texas furnace since June, and now you're saying the heat is... even hotter? No way!

Here's the forecast for the week, in case you want to plan your misery:

Monday

High: 103, because why not start the week by burning in hell?
Low: 78, which is basically a sauna
Maximum heat index: 106 degrees, so you can't escape the heat even if you wanted to
Sunny skies, because of course, the sun loves this place

Tuesday

High: 104, because one degree makes all the difference
Low: 80, the temperature at which your AC gives up
Maximum heat index: 109 degrees, bringing out the sweat in style
Clear skies, because the sun wants to see your pain

Wednesday

High: 104, again, because this city loves consistency in tormenting its residents
Low: 82, the temperature that makes you question all your life choices
Maximum heat index: 111 degrees, a nice round number to fry your brains
Clear skies, and clear tears of suffering

Thursday

High: 101, a slight dip, but still a dip in a boiling cauldron
Low: 79, the humidity will make it feel like you're breathing underwater
Maximum heat index: 107 degrees, because why not prolong the agony?
Partly cloudy, because even the clouds can't be bothered

Friday

High: 98, a small mercy, but still hotter than the devil's armpit
Low: 78, the temperature of your cold, black heart
Maximum heat index: 101 degrees, because triple digits are here to stay
Partially cloudy, because the sky is as conflicted about this city as you are

There you have it, folks! A week of pure, unadulterated torture, courtesy of Mother Nature. Stay indoors, hydrate, and pray for winter. Or, you know, just move to a normal state.

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