Woman Goes Missing After Encouraged Not To Bring Cell Phone or Food on Hike

Retreated Hiker, Retreats Further

San Miguel County, CO – A woman, Gina Chase [53] – declared missing after a solo hike near Lone Cone, CO – was found safe, say local authorities.

"We are thrilled Ms. Chase is safe," said San Miguel County Sheriff Bill Masters. "This outcome is a testament to the hard work and dedication of our team. Also, don't be stupid: take a phone and food with you when you hike. It's not that hard, folks."

Chase, an idiot, left a spiritual retreat on a solo hike Wednesday. The woman, clearly a genius, didn't bring her cell phone or food because the retreat leaders told her not to. She was reported missing Thursday afternoon after failing to return to the retreat.

"Nature doesn't give a shit about your safety," Masters continued. "Don't rely on it to keep you safe. Take the necessary precautions. And for the love of God, eat something."

The retreat, organized by the Animas Valley Institute, encouraged participants to fast and leave their cell phones behind to "maximize their experience with nature."

"We have run these programs since 1980 with no serious incidents," said a statement from the Animas Valley Institute. "The safety of our participants is our highest priority. We are committed to supporting Gina's family during this difficult time."

Right, because almost dying in the woods is not a "serious incident."

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Spiritual Retreat Encourages Starving, Phone-less Participants to Seek Enlightement

The Animas Valley Institute, based in Durango, CO, promotes a variety of guided programs on their website, including "soulcraft intensives" and "vision fasts."

"Guided immersions into the mysteries of nature and psyche," their website reads.

Mister, I have a mystery of nature for you: it's dangerous and will fuck you up. Starving and without a phone? Not smart.

The institute has been in direct contact with Chase's family and will continue to support them in the coming weeks, because what else could they do?

Let this be a lesson, folks: don't be like Gina. Take a phone and a snack.