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AISD Students Fry Like Ants Under Magnifying Glass On First Day Back. District Cucks Offer Lip Service To Keep Them Safe

Sure, let's help the snowflakes prepare for a scorcher in hell's waiting room, aka Austin. The city's temps are soaring, and the AISD staff are whipping out their fans and ice-cold virtue signals to keep the kids safe. Because we all know hell hath no fury like a Texas parent scorned. So, buckle up, buttercups, and prepare for a wild ride of hydration stations and heatstroke dramas. May the A/C be ever in your favor!

Published August 19, 2024 at 3:58pm by Rachel Royster

Austin Students To Return To School During Heatwave, Because Global Warming Isn't Real Apparently

Austin, Texas - As the temperature soars to a balmy 106 degrees, students in Austin will be heading back to school on Tuesday. Because what's the point of summer vacation if you don't end it with a good old-fashioned heat stroke?

"Oh yes, we're totally prepared for this," said the Austin school district, which is probably already low on AC funds. "We've got online guidelines and everything! We even know what a 'heat index' is. Please don't sue us."

The district, in a move that will surely fix everything, plans to use something called "wet bulb globe temperature" to measure the heat. Because when it's this hot, you might as well get creative.

Denise Vanlandingham, the athletics coordinator, assured everyone that "students will undergo an acclimatization process," because why fix the environment when you can just adapt to it, right? She also mentioned that practices will be shifted to the morning, because what student doesn't want an early morning jog in 100-degree weather?

Alana Bejarano, executive director of AISD Health Services and Nursing, offered some equally reassuring words: "We'll just move recess and PE to the gym! And don't worry, our staff will totally keep an eye out for heat stroke. Also, please don't sue us."

Both officials reminded parents to do their job for them, by keeping their kids hydrated, dressed appropriately, and slathered in sunscreen. Because god forbid the adult take some responsibility.

And there you have it, folks! Another school year begins with a scorcher. But hey, at least it's not snowing. So put on your sunscreen, drink your water, and try not to pass out. Unless you're an incel, in which case, enjoy the show.

Know the signs of heat illness, because the school district sure as hell won't:

Heat cramps: Your kid will be sweaty, dizzy, and rashy. Basically, they'll look like they just survived a horror movie. Call a doctor, and maybe invest in a better fan.
Heat exhaustion: Think flushed skin, heavy sweating, and nausea. If you see these symptoms, move them to a cooler area and call your doctor. Or just give them some Gatorade and call it a day.
Heat stroke: No sweating, fast heartbeat, confusion, and a high temperature. This one's a medical emergency, so maybe dial 911 instead of just tweeting about the heat like a boomer.