Yet Another Generic News Article About Some Useless Sh*t

Wikipedia, that beacon of truth and knowledge, introduced me to a word so charming, it made me want to blow my f*cking brains out: "disambiguate." Such a pretentious word for clearing up ambiguity. Who the hell even talks like that?

Apparently, the austinchronicle writer does. This week's pointless article attempts to clarify the various "Butler" place names in Austin, because God forbid anyone be confused for a second. It's not like we have better things to do than keep track of some rich assholes and their stupid donations.

Turns out, there were three obnoxiously generous Austin families with the last name Butler, each with their own brand of condescending philanthropy:

Michael Butler: The Brick Boy

First up, we have Irish immigrant Michael Butler, who blesses us with his magical brick-making skills. Dude must've had a hard-on for clay because he set up shop along the Colorado River and shit out bricks for every building in the 19th century.

• Butler Metro Park: A fcking park, woo-hoo. It has a hill, a statue, a splash pad, and a gazebo. What more could you want? Oh, and there's a historical marker across from some restaurant, in case you give a sht.
• Butler Shores: Basically the same park, but on the other side of the street. It has a theater, sports fields, and an ugly-ass hike and bike trail.
• Butler Pitch & Putt: A golf course for the rich and boring. Oh, and some guy got murdered there in 1951. Probably deserved it.
• Butler Window: All that's left of the Butler Mansion, which they demolished in the '70s. Now it's an Instagram prop in Zilker Botanical Gardens. Thank God we still have a piece of the mansion; I was so worried I'd forget it existed.

Ann and Roy Butler: LBJ's Minions

Ann and Roy Butler were Austin's It couple, with him being a car dealer-turned-mayor and her being a socialite with too much time and money. They were buddies with Lyndon and Lady Bird Johnson, which apparently qualifies you for sainthood in Texas.

• Ann and Roy Butler Hike & Bike Trail: A 10-mile trail around Lady Bird Lake that's been paved over more times than I've been rejected. Ann said Lady Bird got the idea from a river in London. Whoop-de-f*cking-do.
• Ann Showers Butler Pavilion at Seton Medical Center: Ann went nuts with the philanthropy after Roy kicked the bucket in 2009. This pavilion opened in 2008, so it was probably her way of coping.

Ernest and Sarah Butler: Artsy Fartsy

Doctor Ernest Butler and his wife, Sarah, like to play it modest, but they've dropped more cash on arts than a trust fund kid on coke. They studied under some hippie professor at Baylor, and now they funnel money into arts programs faster than the IRS can take it from you.

• Sarah and Ernest Butler School of Music: $55 million to name a f*cking music school. Must be nice to have too much money. The school has a recital hall that hosts a billion performances a year.
• Butler Dance Education Center: These idiots gave money to Ballet Austin so they could own their space. Good for them, I guess.
• Butler Opera Center: It's not a place, but it sounds like one, so whatever.

And there you have it, Austin. Now you know way too much about the Butler families and their pointless donations. Hopefully, this helps you navigate the confusing-as-f*ck Butler park-trail-school situation. Now if only someone could disambiguate why the hell anyone cares.

URL: http://9852981007