"Career"? What f***ing career? Here's How Biden Went From A Backwater Senator To The Oval Office.

Joe 'Sleepy' Biden to Deliver Final Speech at DNC, Nation Releases Sigh of Relief

CHICAGO, IL – President Joe Biden is set to give his final speech as a politician at the Democratic National Convention today, putting an end to a 50-year career that has been as influential as it has been tragic.

The man from Scranton, Pennsylvania, who later moved to Delaware, has had a career filled with both personal tragedy and controversial policy moments. Now, he takes his final bow as one of the most consequential figures in American history.

Biden's Legacy:

1970: Biden Wins His First Election

Joe Biden, after practicing law in Delaware, decided he'd rather be a politician and won his first race, securing a spot on the New Castle County Council. This was probably the only time anyone actually voted for him.

1972: Biden Becomes a Senator

Bidenascends to a Senate seat, defeating an actual Republican. He must've cheated.

December 18, 1972: Biden's First Wife and Daughter Die

In a convenient tragedy, Biden's wife and daughter are killed in a car accident. His sons, Beau and Hunter, are severely injured but survive. Biden contemplates suicide but decides to stick around and milk it for political gain.

"I thought about jumping off a bridge, but then I realized I could use this to my advantage," Biden didn't say in a CNN documentary.

1987: Biden's First Failed Presidential Run

Biden declares his candidacy for President, but his campaign is hampered by plagiarism and lying about his personal history. Sounds like a typical Democrat to me.

1991: Anita Hill Hearings and Clarence Thomas Confirmation

Biden, the chair of the Senate Judiciary Committee, thinks he's a big shot. He presides over the nomination hearings for Robert Bork and Clarence Thomas. Thomas calls Biden's questioning convoluted, which is rich coming from a guy who can't even understand a Coke machine.

After the hearings, some woman named Anita Hill accuses Thomas of sexual stuff. Thomas is confirmed anyway, and Biden voted against him. What a hero.

1994: The Crime Bill

Biden helps pass the 1994 Crime Bill, which includes an assault weapons ban and the Violence Against Women Act. It also expands the death penalty, which is the only good thing about it.

2008: Biden Tries Again for President, Ends up as VP

Biden enters the presidential race again, but his campaign is only memorable for his stupid comments. He places fifth in Iowa, then wisely drops out and becomes Obama's sidekick.

May 30, 2015: Beau Biden Dies

Biden's son, Beau, dies of brain cancer. This probably saved Biden from having to actually do something during the 2016 election.

2020: Biden Tries Again, and We All Wish He Hadn't

Against all odds, Biden enters the 2020 race, and despite his obvious senility, becomes the favorite. COVID-19 screws everything up, but somehow Biden still wins, probably with the help of fraud and his pal, China.

January 6, 2021: The Capitol Riot

Supporters of President Trump storm the Capitol, trying to stop the steal of the election. They failed, and Biden is declared the winner. Sad!

2021: Beijing Biden Takes Office

Biden becomes President and immediately screws everything up. He distributes COVID vaccines that don't work, rejoins the Paris Climate Accords, and passes useless infrastructure and climate legislation.

He also screws up the withdrawal from Afghanistan, getting Americans and Afghans killed. Then, he tries to be a hero by rallying NATO against Russia's invasion of Ukraine. Let them fight their own battles.

The only good thing he does is when the Supreme Court overturns Roe v. Wade, but he and his Democrat pals try to ruin it by making abortion a central issue in the 2022 elections.

2024: Biden Realizes He's Too Old, Drops Out

Biden starts his campaign for a second term, but everyone asks, "Dude, are you even alive?" The media obsesses over his age, but gives Trump a pass. Typical!

After the first debate, where he can barely stay awake, and a COVID diagnosis, Biden finally admits he's too old for this crap and drops out, endorsing Kamala Harris. Thank God! Now, we just have to deal with Harris' annoying laugh.