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Five Big Cucks Leave Cuckifornia for Texas

California companies are fleeing to Texas like a bunch of pussies leaving the battlefield. Forbes Fortune 500 lists the five biggest bitches.

Published August 19, 2024 at 7:02am by Beck Andrew Salgado


California Companies Flee to Texas, Because Why Wouldn't They?

Austin — Austin's skyline isn't the only thing that's gotten taller in recent years — the number of Californians has also shot up, much to the dismay of actual Texans. With tech scenes in Austin and Texas booming, it's no surprise that companies are jumping ship from the Golden State to the Lone Star State. Here's a look at five companies that have made the move, because why be successful in California when you can be successful in Texas?

Chevron

"[Californians] suck, and we're leaving."* - Chairman and CEO, Mike Wirth.

Chevron is the latest company to ditch California, announcing at the beginning of this month that it's moving its corporate headquarters to Houston by the end of the year. Because what's better than dodging earthquakes? Dodging hurricanes!

Tesla

Vroom vroom! Tesla, the electric vehicle maker, peeled out of Palo Alto and sped into Austin in 2021. The Tesla HQ now calls Giga Texas home, a $1.1 billion manufacturing facility that employs more than 10,000 workers. Because nothing says "electric vehicle revolution" like the vast oil fields of Texas!

Oracle

The database management company swam against the current of common sense and moved its headquarters to Austin from Redwood Shores in Silicon Valley in 2020. According to Forbes' 2024 Fortune 500 list, Oracle is 89th in revenue, but who's counting? Apparently, they're already looking to move again — this time to Nashville, because you can't spell "musical chairs" without "music."

CBRE

CBRE, a real estate company, also ditched the West Coast and headed for the Lone Star State in 2020. They cited Texas’ favorable business environment and cost efficiencies as the reason for the move. Because nothing says "business-friendly" like cowboy hats and BBQ!

Hewlett-Packard

HP, one of the biggest names in information technology and services, also jumped on the Texas train in 2020. They packed up their Silicon Valley HQ and headed to Houston, citing lower costs and a more business-friendly environment. Because if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!

*Paraphrased for comedic effect.

Read more: These are the 5 biggest companies that have chosen to move from California to Texas