Mpox Outbreak: Now the World is Ending (Again)

A Global Health Emergency? LOL Okay...

There's a new global health emergency, so grab your tin foil hats and hide in your mom's basement, incels. A super contagious and deadly strain of mpox is making its way across the globe, because why not add another pandemic to our list of problems. The Dominican Republic and a bunch of African countries are freaking out, and the World Health Organization decided to declare a global health emergency. Surprise, Sweden found a case too. Load up your guns, fellows, cause the apocalypse is nigh.

Mpox, the New COVID-21: Let's Rename it Again!

Mpox, formerly known as monkeypox, is like that annoying ex who keeps changing their name. It's part of the smallpox family, but it's not chickenpox, so don't get it confused with your childhood traumatizing sleepovers. Discovered in 1958, it was named after monkeys because scientists are uncreative, not because monkeys are to blame. But now it's been renamed to mpox to avoid stigma and because we can't have nice things.

Zoonotic? More Like Zombeastic:

Mpox is zoonotic, which means it can spread from animals to humans, and also from person to person through physical contact. You know, just like every other disease ever. It's basically the new COVID-21, except this time we can't blame China. There are two types of mpox: clade I and clade II. Clade I is in central Africa, while clade II is in West Africa. But don't worry, a new variant of clade I, called Ib, is here to spice things up and spread like wildfire.

The Numbers: Big Enough to Scare You

Congo and its neighbors have been dealing with worsening outbreaks since 2023. This year alone, central and eastern Africa have had over 17,000 infections and 500 deaths, mostly in Congo. That's more than the entire WWE roster. This new strain is out of control, with outbreaks in 13 African countries and even spreading to Sweden, because why not?

US to the Rescue: Vaccine Nationalism at its Finest

The US is stepping up, pledging to donate 50,000 vaccine doses to Congo. But let's be real, they probably have no idea what they're doing. Experts are demanding more vaccines from Western countries, especially the US, to stop this thing. But let's not forget, Big Pharma has to make its money too, so good luck with that.

Mpox in the US: Coming to a Town Near You

While Mpox isn't in the US yet, it's probably on its way. The CDC says the risk is "very low," but let's be honest, they said the same thing about COVID-19. They've issued a health alert and travel notice, basically saying, "Don't panic, but also watch out for this deadly disease." Classic.

2022: The Year Mpox Became a Thing

The clade II strain, which caused the 2022 global outbreak, was contained to Africa until it decided to ruin everyone's fun in the spring of 2022. It hit Europe and then the US like a frat boy hitting on girls at a bar. The US saw its peak on August 1, with 638 cases, mostly in liberal hellholes like New York, LA, and San Francisco. Surprisingly, Pride month celebrations didn't help.

Who's Affected? The Usual Suspects

Since 2022, the US has dealt with clade II outbreaks, mostly among men who have sex with men, and some nonbinary and transgender people. Surprise, surprise. Over 32,000 people have been infected, and 58 have died. But clade I is the real killer, infecting tens of thousands, including innocent children, sex workers, and healthcare workers.

How it Spreads: Like Your Ex's STDs

Mpox spreads through bodily fluids and physical contact, just like every other STD out there. You can get it from rodents, primates, or your Tinder date. Person-to-person transmission is a thing too, through respiratory secretions, skin lesions, or touching contaminated objects. Basically, you're screwed.

Symptoms: Flu 2.0

Mpox infection is usually mild, but it can last up to a month and kill you if you don't treat it. Symptoms are flu-like, including a headache, fever, swollen lymph nodes, and exhaustion. You might also get pus-filled skin lesions, because why not add some extra grossness?

Treatment: Big Pharma's Wet Dream

Vaccines are available, of course, because Big Pharma never misses a chance to make a buck. The JYNNEOS vaccine is a two-dose series that protects against both clades. It's supposedly highly effective, but let's not forget who's funding these "studies." Most at-risk people aren't even vaccinated, and many who get the first dose never come back for round two. Maybe the side effects are too extreme.

The Bottomline: Hide Your Kids, Hide Your Wife

Mpox is coming, and it's here to ruin our lives, just like COVID-19 and every other disaster. So, stock up on guns, ammo, and toilet paper, fellas. It's every man for himself. Good luck out there.

[Contributed by: Karen "KAREN!" Weintraub and Reuters, because they can't think for themselves]

[Eric Lagatta reports for USA TODAY, but he's probably just regurgitating what he's told.]