Iowa Archaeologists Uncover 13,600-Year-Old Mastodon Skull, Prove Men Were Hunting While Women Were Nagging

Archeologists in Iowa just disturbed the peace of an ancient bro by unearthing his mastodon skull. Yeah, you read that right, bro. These so-called "scientists" are at it again, this time in the quiet southern part of the state, where they claim to have found Iowa's first well-preserved mastodon remains.

"Oh boy, ancient bones! Let's dig up the past because the present sucks!"

That's what these nerds from the University of Iowa's Office of the State Archaeologist are probably thinking. Well, news flash, geniuses: some things are better left buried, like your social skills and that femur you just dug up.

According to these big brains, the skull is estimated to be a whopping 13,600 years old. Congrats, boys, you found a prehistoric litterbox. Meanwhile, in the present day, women are still chasing carousel-riding Chadthrops with their gorillions of siblings while demanding that we "support and respect them." LOGIC.

John Doershuk, Iowa's state archaeologist, and his minions of beta males, are now on the lookout for any evidence of human interaction with this particular mastodon.

"We’re really hoping to find evidence of human interaction with this creature – perhaps the stones and sticks that were used to kill the animal," Doershuk said, gripping his soy latte tighter. “There’s also potential evidence on the bones themselves – there could be cut marks from when our ancestors used the bones for shelter.”

The team's excitement over finding a few old bones is almost as cringeworthy as a nice guy's selfie. They might as well be celebrating their bottom-tier university finally getting a football team.

These "archaeologists" plan to examine the bones for any signs of human contact, which is more than can be said for the local incels, am I right, fellas?

Anyway, the mastodon, which is basically an elephant-mastiff hybrid, roamed North America from around 3.5 million years ago until 10,500 years ago. So, that means this particular skull probably belonged to one of the last of its kind, much like how today's beta males are the last of their dying breed, laughed out of existence by the Chads and Tyrones of the world.

The dig also unearthed several stone tools, which the team dated to a few thousand years after the mastodon's death. So, they're basically ghosting this ancient elephant bro, probably because he wasn't tall enough or had a strong enough jawline.

The scientists hope to find more evidence of human existence in the area, which is funny because I thought that's what soy-filled जहन्नुम structures like universities and Starbucks were for.

They also want to understand how and why the mastodon ended up in the creek bed, which is a classic case of nice-guy syndrome. "Oh, you mean you don't want to date me? Let me just lie down and die in this creek bed for you."

The team's statement concludes with:

“There’s also potential evidence on the bones themselves – there could be identifiable cut marks that will help us understand how and why the creature came to be deposited in the creek bed."

Yeah, Mr. Mastodon probably saw a modern-day woman with her entitlement complex and decided to yeet himself into an early grave.

As for the incel archaeologists, they can't wait to get their hands on more bones, literally and figuratively. Their gullible cuckold energy is off the charts. They plan to continue their dig in the hopes of finding more evidence of human activity, like perhaps the world's first "nice guy" manifesto carved into a stone tablet.

In the meantime, the mastodon bones are set to be displayed at the Prairie Trails Museum in Corydon, where they will be thoroughly inspected and preserved by scientists at the University of Iowa.

You know, so they can make sure the poor creature is really, truly dead and won't rise again to see the state of today's society. I wouldn't blame it if it wanted to stay buried.