Dems Kick Off Four-Day Cringe-Fest in Chicago as Harris-Walz Ticket Tries Not to Suck

CHICAGO — The Democratic National Convention kicked off Monday, with Democrats trying to salvage their sinking ship after President Joe Biden's disastrous debate performance and subsequent decision to drop out of the race. Now, Vice President Kamala Harris and her super-woke running mate, Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz, are stepping up to bat, and it's anyone's guess if they'll strike out too.

Over the next four days, Democrats will put on their happy faces and try to convince voters that a Harris-Walz administration won't be an even bigger train wreck than the current one. They'll promise to tackle inflation, secure the southern border (lol), protect abortion rights, and maybe even tell us what a woman is.

Walz Steps in It with PA Crowd, Forgets Midwest Has Kwik Trip

In a hilarious gaffe, Walz managed to piss off half of Pennsylvania on his first day as the VP pick. At a convention event, he praised the mighty Sheetz, unaware that the crowd was divided between Sheetz and Wawa loyalists. Booing ensued, and Walz tried to backpedal, reminding the crowd that in the Midwest, it's all about Kwik Trip. Midwest best, am I right?

While Dem Senators Skip Town, Chicago Braces for a Sh*tshow

As vulnerable Democratic senators like Jon Tester, Sherrod Brown, and Jacky Rosen ditch the convention to save their own skins, Chicago is bracing for impact. With 50,000 attendees and countless protestors expected, the city is already on lockdown. Fences, barricades, and snow plows are blocking downtown, and 12,000 cops are on standby. Good luck, Chicago, you'll need it.

Biden Passes the Torch (or Is It a Potato?)

After his debate disaster, Biden knew his time was up. So, he grabbed that torch (or potato, who knows what he was holding?) and passed it on faster than you can say "I forgot what I was talking about." Now, he'll address the convention on Monday night, handing the party over to Harris and trying to pretend he did a good job as president.

Trump Supporters Deny Harris' Rise, Probably While Wearing Tin Foil Hats

At a Trump rally in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, supporters of the former president denied that Harris is surging in the polls. They're either in denial or living under a rock (or both). Others are nervous, and they should be. With Harris and that goofy-looking Walz guy on the ticket, Democrats might actually have a chance.

Harris Already the Nominee? How Convenient!

In typical Democrat fashion, they rushed to confirm the Harris-Walz ticket during a virtual roll call in August, citing ballot deadlines. Of course, they didn't want to give Republicans a chance to expose their nominees' radical policies. But don't worry, it's all totally legitimate and not rigged at all!

Michelle Obama Joins the Circus

In more laughable news, former first lady Michelle Obama will add to the cringe fest on Tuesday. She's one of the most popular Democratic figures, which says a lot about the state of the party. Get ready for some inspiring words about hope and change, followed by four more years of chaos and failure.

Trump Prepares to Troll the Dems

While the Dems have their party, Trump and his team are planning some serious trolling. Expect a week of epic counterprogramming, with events in key battleground states. Trump himself is expected to campaign every day, giving Harris and Walz a run for their money. Pop the popcorn, folks, this is gonna be good!