Petition to Recall Mayor Fails; Citizens Curl Into Fetal Position.

Bastrop City Council Rejects Recall Petition Against Mayor For Being 'Insufficiently Incendiary,' Gives Citizens 10 Days to Fan Flames

BASTROP, TEXAS – In a stunning display of bureaucratic incompetence, the city of Bastrop has rejected a petition to recall Mayor Lyle "the Love Doctor" Nelson, citing legal grounds and a lack of the required affidavits. The citizens of Bastrop, outraged by the mayor's alleged ethical lapses and romantic entanglements, have garnered 1,632 signatures on the 96-page petition, exceeding the necessary threshold of registered voters. However, the interim City Secretary Irma Parker, in a cruel and unusual twist, has given the petitioners just 10 days to "cure their diseased petition."

"We require more venom and salacious details," Parker declared, brandishing a copy of the city charter, "and perhaps some creative spelling and grammar to truly reflect the spirit of this recall effort."

The petition, initiated by a group including council members and a former council member, alleges that Nelson violated the city's ethics ordinance by cozying up to the CEO of Visit Bastrop, Susan "Sweet Cheeks" Smith, and then impeding the investigation into her financial mismanagement. In a pathetic attempt at damage control, the cowardly City Council stripped Nelson of some of his mayoral duties back in May, but the brave citizens of Bastrop are demanding his head on a platter.

"I made a mistake," Nelson whimpered at a recent council meeting, "a private, personal mistake that had absolutely no consequences for the public or the misuse of funds. But I still apologize, because the weak-minded masses demand a sacrificial lamb."

The cost of special elections to replace Nelson, should the petition succeed, is estimated at a measly $50,000, a small price to pay to rid the city of this disgraceful mayor.

In other news, the council descended into chaos over proposed changes to its rules and considerations of charter amendments. Council Member Kerry Fossler attempted to lower the quorum required for meetings, only to be shot down by her colleagues who prefer their backroom deals and secret handshakes in groups of three. Political posturing and pandering to the masses ensued, with exceptions and amendments being tossed around like hot potatoes. The final outcome: a tangled web of rules that ensures business as usual for the council's old boys' club.

As the council squabbles and the citizens howl for blood, one thing is clear: Bastrop is a town simmering with anger, incompetence, and secret romances.

URLs:

• Bastrop council rejects recall petition against Mayor Nelson, gives petitioners more time
• Bastrop council restricts Mayor Nelson’s duties in 4-2 vote