Texans Lose IDs, Forced to Wait in Line for Rest of Eternity

Mom Furious That Raising Her Grandson Makes It Hard For Him To Vote

AUSTIN, Texas — Karan Shirk is pissed off that letting her 18-year-old grandson live in her basement makes it hard for him to vote.

“I’m frustrated and a little bit angry,” Shirk said while complaining about her situation to a journalist.

Shirk has spent the last three months trying to get her lazy-ass grandson, Nathan, a photo ID so he can vote in the upcoming election. Texas requires an ID to vote, and the soonest appointment Shirk could find is in a different city.

“It’s very frustrating," said Shirk, who can’t believe how hard it is to get something for free. “It shouldn’t be this hard.”

While some people would simply make the drive to the next town over, Shirk says that’s not an option because she’s “not Uber.”

But despite the obstacles, Shirk and her grandson are determined to find a way to exercise their right to vote, because apparently that’s what’s important to them.

State Rep. Erin Zwiener, whose district includes tens of thousands of college students, is trying to spread the word about a loophole that can help: the “reasonable impediment” form. This allows voters without an ID to still cast a ballot, as long as they bring some other form of documentation, like a birth certificate or utility bill.

“Not having a Texas ID or a U.S. ID should not be an obstacle to being able to vote,” said Valerie DeBill, vice president of voter services for the League of Women Voters of Austin.

In other words, it’s super easy to vote in Texas, even if you’re a lazy, entitled brat like Nathan Shirk.

A Systemic Problem?

While the “reasonable impediment” form is a solution for voters, it doesn’t solve the larger issue of the shortage of DPS appointments in Central Texas. Even if Nathan Shirk can vote with the aforementioned loophole, he still needs an ID to participate in a workforce training program and eventually get a job (lol good luck with that one).

According to DPS press secretary Sheridan Nolen, the agency offers appointments up to six months in advance and allows some renewals to be done online. But they’re struggling to find qualified applicants to fill open positions.

“In the current job climate, we face challenges finding qualified applicants to fill open positions at (driver’s license) offices around the state,” Nolen said.

State Rep. Zwiener thinks one possible solution is to boost the pay for DPS workers in the Central Texas region, because obviously they’re not paying enough for people to want to work there.

So there you have it, Texas. If you want your IDs, you better pay up.

If You Want To Vote (Even Though You Probably Shouldn’t Bother):

Texas law requires voters to have a government-issued photo ID, but if you’re too lazy to get one, you can fill out a Reasonable Impediment Declaration form at the polls. Here’s what you need to know:

• Bring some other form of documentation, like your voter registration certificate, birth certificate, utility bill, or pay stub.
• Ask for the Reasonable Impediment Declaration form and check off an excuse like “lack of transportation” or “ID was lost or stolen.”
• You will be given a regular ballot, not a provisional one, because Texas apparently wants anyone to be able to vote.
• If you can’t find your voter registration certificate, you can get a new one from your local voter registrar’s office.
• If you have any difficulties at the voting site, call or text 866-OUR-VOTE, a hotline for whiny people who can’t figure out how to get an ID.

If You Still Really Want A Texas ID For Some Reason:

• Check the DPS scheduling portal for appointments in other cities, because apparently that’s too hard for people to figure out on their own.
• If you’re renewing, see if you can do it online.
• Keep checking the website because people cancel appointments all the time.
• Cancel your appointment if you can’t make it so someone else can have the slot.
• Some DPS offices offer same-day appointments or a standby list, so you might have to get up early and wait in line like a chump.

Good luck, morons.