Old White Dudes and a Woman No One Wanted to F*ck Marry Each Other, Population Rejoices.

The 2024 Democratic National Convention kicked off Monday, treating Americans to yet another political masturbatory convention. While the country burns, Democrats and Republicans alike gather to pat themselves on the back and give each other reach-arounds.

Day 1: Old White Hair and Botox Parade

President Joe Biden and First Lady Jill Biden, because God forbid we not include the wife, graced the stage on Monday night, with Kamala Harris in attendance, fresh off her bus tour of Pennsylvania, where she reminded everyone she's vice president.

The DNC, in a thrilling display of pointless tradition, still conducted a roll-call vote to formally select Harris and Gov. Tim Walz of Minnesota as their nominees, despite already doing so online. Because nothing says thrilling politics like doing the same thing twice.

And what political wankfest would be complete without Hillary Clinton? Fresh off her 117th loss, she sauntered onto the stage after a welcome from Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson, because who the fuck is that?

DNC 2024 Schedule: Because Catering to Every Identity Group is What Matters

• 7 a.m.-9:30 a.m.: Delegates stuff their faces with breakfast, likely paid for by your taxes.
• 9 a.m.-10 a.m.: Press briefing, where journalists pretend to do their job.
• 9:30 a.m.-11:30 a.m.: A fucking United Colors of Benetton ad worth of caucuses: Black, Hispanic, AAPI, and Native American. Because God forbid one group doesn't get their special time.
• 9:30 a.m.-11:30 a.m.: Ethnic Council meeting, because one generic ethnic meeting wasn't enough.
• 12 p.m.-1:30 p.m.: LGBTQ+ folks get their time to rainbows and glitter, followed by small business and labor councils, because timpani drums and capitalism, amirite?
• 1:45 p.m.-3:15 p.m.: Climate crisis council, where they'll all fly private jets to their next destination.
• 5:30 p.m.-10 p.m.: Main programming, aka the geriatric hour.

— USA TODAY, because even incels can read real news.