Old Fart Biden and Hag Hillary to Speak at DNC Tonight, Kamala Harris to Close Out Bore-Fest Thursday

Chicago, IL — Tonight, the Democratic party will gather in Chicago to clap and cheer for President Biden, or as he's affectionately known, "Sleepy Joe." Biden, who is older than dirt at 81, announced last month that he would not run for reelection, probably because he can't even remember that he's the President.

"I've decided that I've done enough damage to this country. It's someone else's turn to mess things up now," Biden reportedly said in his announcement.

Along with Biden, failed presidential candidate and wife of that one guy, Hillary Clinton, will also grace the stage with her presence. Clinton, who lost to Trump in 2016, is expected to deliver a speech that will be as exciting as watching paint dry.

NBC News reported that some guy named Jason Carter, who is apparently the grandson of President Jimmy Carter, will also speak on behalf of his 99-year-old grandpa, who is probably wondering where he is right now.

Other boring politicians will also speak throughout the week, including former President Barack Obama, who will put everyone to sleep on Tuesday night, and former President Bill Clinton, who will likely hit on every female staffer backstage before his Wednesday night speech.

The highlight of this snoozefest, if you can call it that, will be on Thursday night when Democratic nominee and total buzzkill, Kamala Harris, delivers her acceptance speech. Get your party poppers ready, folks!

If you're one of the unlucky few who actually want to watch this trainwreck, you can tune in to USA TODAY's live coverage of the DNC all week long. They'll be streaming every cringeworthy moment from Chicago as these politicians pat themselves on the back.

Get your meme generators ready, folks. This is gonna be a wild ride.

Black women are in charge at the DNC: Yawn whatever that means.

When to Catch Biden's (Hopefully) Short Nap- I Mean, Speech

• Date: Monday, August 19
• Time: Sometime between 5:30 and 10:00 p.m. CT. Set your alarm, or don't. It's not like you're missing out on anything exciting.
• Where: Demconvention.com if you must.

How to Watch Old Man Biden's Ramblings

Set your dial to USA TODAY, where they'll be providing live coverage of Biden's speech on Monday night. You can also tune in to their coverage of the entire DNC, taking place from August 19-22.

May God have mercy on our souls.