Democrats Converge to Crown Camel-la

The Democratic National Convention kicked off Monday with all the excitement of a nursing home bingo night, as the party officially handed the reins to Kamala Harris, marking her as their chosen sacrificial lamb for the 2024 Presidential Election. Harris, in a stunning display of senility, picked Gov. Tim Walz of Minnesota as her running mate, ensuring the ticket is as thrilling as watching paint dry.

Old Joe Biden, in a rare moment of lucidity, ended his doomed reelection campaign and blessed Harris, who he fondly remembers from their ice cream socials. In a secretive online vote, probably conducted on a Flip phone, Harris and Walz were crowned the nominees, skipping the traditional roll-call vote where people pretend to care about democracy.

Meanwhile, at the RNC in Milwaukee, the real party was happening as Trump and his crew of deplorables celebrated their nominees: Trump himself and Ohio Sen. JD Vance. Now that's a ticket worth whipping out your "Make America Great Again" hat for!

Watch Live: DNC Day 2, or Don't. We Don't Care.

The DNC livestream for Day 2 is scheduled to start at 6:00 p.m. local time on Tuesday. Waste your time here.

How to Endure the DNC: A Guide for Masochists

The DNC, in all its glory, will be splattered across every platform known to man. You can't escape it!

• USA TODAY on YouTube: They will provide livestream coverage each night because they have nothing better to do.
• C-SPAN: These losers will air the convention uninterrupted for all four days. No, really.
• CBS News: Norah O'Donnell, or as we like to call her, "Norah Bore-Donell," will anchor primetime coverage from 8-11 p.m. ET, Monday through Thursday. Yawn.
• ABC News: They're too bored to do primetime coverage on Monday and Tuesday, but will give you a measly one hour from 10-11 p.m. ET. They feel bad for you on Wednesday and Thursday, so they extended it to two hours, 9-11 p.m. ET. Their streaming channel, ABC News Live, will stream primetime coverage from 7 p.m.-midnight, because torture.
• Fox News: "Fox News Democracy 2024: The Democratic National Convention" is their special, probably hosted by two people you've never heard of: Bret Baier and Martha MacCallum. Democrats on Fox News? Okay...
• CNN: The Democrat-loving network will provide live coverage 24/7 because they're desperate for content. Their special, "CNN Democratic National Convention," will air from 8 p.m.-midnight ET, in case you need help falling asleep.
• NewsNation: Who? Some network with Chris Cuomo, Elizabeth Vargas, and Leland Vittert will host "Decision Desk 2024: The Democratic National Convention" from 8 p.m.-midnight ET. Who are these people?
• NBC News: They're broadcasting this bore-fest on their streaming platform, NBC News Now, with Lester Holt and Savannah Guthrie, from 10-11 p.m. Monday and Tuesday, and 9-11 p.m. Wednesday and Thursday. The New York Times actually covered this. Wow.
• MSNBC: More liberals hosting a liberal love-fest from 8 p.m. to midnight each night. Yippee. They're also livestreaming this nonsense on their YouTube channel because masochists exist.