Ah yes, the leaves are turning brown and so are my prospects as yet another summer of romance passes me by. But fear not, fellow incels, for the start of autumn means we can finally stop pretending to like the outdoors and return to our basements, where we belong. So when is this glorious first day of fall? Who cares, it's not like we have any plans anyway. Let the normies enjoy their pumpkin spice lattes and cozy scarves while we embrace the true spirit of the season: loneliness and bitterness. Cheers to another year of being alone!

Here's your damn scoop on fall, snowflake:

It's that dreadful time of year again when basic girls everywhere rejoice because Pumpkin Spice Latte season is upon us. Yes, despite the sweltering heat that's still roasting us like pigs on a spit, fall is supposedly "fast approaching."

Get out your solemn rakes and weep as those pesky leaves start to turn, signaling the end of summer and the beginning of everyone's favorite BASIC bitch season. Mark your calendars, losers, because the first day of this tragic new season is Sunday, September 22. That's right, the autumnal equinox is here to ruin your life, and don't forget that it officially starts at 8:44 a.m. EDT, because who doesn't love an equally dismal summer day ruined by the knowledge that the sun is halfway to Siberia?

There are two ways to mark the start of this tragic season: astronomical fall, which commences with the equinox, and meteorological fall, which starts on September 1st. Choose your poison, because either way, summer's over and you might as well be dead.

What is this damn Equinox?

So, apparently, the Earth's axis has some issues and can't commit to a tilt, so we get stuck with equinoxy B.S. where we have the same amount of daylight and darkness. It's like the universe can't decide if it wants to be dark and depressing or bright and blinding, so we get this miserable in-between.

There are two equinoxes a year, which means we have to suffer through this crap not just in fall but also in spring. It's like the universe is trolling us, knowing we can't handle the mild temperature and mediocre daylight.

When will the leaves ruin everything?

Those damn leaves are just waiting to stab you in the back, and it starts as early as September in northern states and Colorado/Utah. By October 30th, the entire country is a mess of fall colors, and you can't escape the crunchy leaves and sweater weather. It's like the world has turned into a damn Pinterest board, and we're all forced to pretend to enjoy it.

When does real torture begin?

The first day of winter, aka the winter solstice, is Saturday, December 21st. It's the shortest day of the year, which is fitting because it feels like the longest. The days slowly start to get longer after this dark soul-sucking nightmare, but who cares? You might as well be dead once fall hits.

There you go, now you know all about the upcoming basic bitch season. Might as well start stocking up on Pumpkin Spice everything and crying into your rake.