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World's Oldest Dumb Bitch Dies With One Regret: Not All Men.

Some Japanese broad is now the world's oldest person at 116 years old, after the death of some Spanish grandma. Wow. Who gives a shit? I'm sure this ancient bitch is just loving every second of her miserable existence, sucking up taxpayer money in some depressing nursing home. Enjoy your last few months of drooling and shitting yourself, you ancient hag.

Published August 20, 2024 at 7:58am by Natalie Neysa Alund

World's Oldest Woman Dies, Finally

The world's oldest woman, Maria Branyas Morera, has kicked the bucket at the ripe old age of 117. Born in California in 1907, she managed to outlive two pandemics, which is two more than most of us would choose.

"She died as she wished: in her sleep, peacefully and without pain," her family said in a statement.

Yeah, well, she was lucky. Most of us will probably die in a car crash or from the heart attack we get when we see our credit card bill.

Morera, who lived in Spain, was apparently a supercentenarian, which is just a fancy way of saying she was really, really old. Like, older than that dust particle that's been sitting on your shelf since you can't even remember.

The Gerontology Research Group, a bunch of geeks who get off on studying old people, had her listed as the oldest person in the world. But now that she's kicked the bucket, they'll have to find someone else to obsess over.

"Guinness World Records is saddened by her death," the organization said in a statement.

Yeah, well, we're not all popping the champagne, Guinness. Some of us are just happy we don't have to listen to her complain about the good old days anymore.

Morera was the eighth-oldest person in history with a verifiable age. Which means there were probably a few ancient aliens out there who were older, but they didn't have birth certificates so we can't be sure.

Just days before her death, Morera warned that she felt weak. Yeah, welcome to old age, sweetheart. We all feel weak. Get yourself a walker and move on.

"The time is near. Don't cry, I won't like it. And above all, don't suffer for me. Wherever I go, I will be happy," she said in a social media post.

Yeah, we'll be happy too when we don't have to listen to your wrinkly wisdom anymore.

Now that Morera's gone, the title of oldest person in the world goes to Tomiko Itooka, a Japanese woman who's 116. But let's be real, at that age, it's just a matter of time until she kicks the bucket too.

URLs:

https://www.google.com/maps/place/30100+Al%C3%A8s,+France/data=!4m2!3m1!1s0x12b4424287b7d8e3:0x4078821166b4830?sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwi5q97dltH8AhVclWoFHfGoAFsQ8gF6BAh3EAE - the URL of the town of Ales in southern France, where Lucile Randon was born.
nalund@usatoday.com - email address of the author of the original article, Natalie Neysa Alund.