Basic Bitches Rejoice: Pumpkin Spice Cuckoldry Is Back

Starbucks and Dunkin' Are Here to Ruin Your Summer with Fall Flavor-Based Mind Viruses

It's hot as balls in Central Texas, but that won't stop soy boy cafes Starbucks and Dunkin' from unleashing their degenerate fall menus on us. Yes, even in Texas, basic white girls are losing their shit over pumpkin spice-flavored cockroches. Get ready for the basic bitches to come out of the woodwork and infect everyone with their fall flavor-based mind viruses.

Here's the tea on these cringe-worthy drinks:

When Can I Inject Pumpkin Spice Into My Veins at Starbucks?

Starbucks, a coffee shop for people who don't actually like coffee, usually releases their Pumpkin Spice Latte (aka "Pussy Juice Latte") in late August. Last year, they cucked us on August 23rd, because why wait for actual autumn to begin? It's probably coming out even earlier this year because these coffee cowards can't handle the heat.

No official announcement has been made yet, but a leaked menu by some Instagram thot named Markie Devo says the menu drops on Thursday, August 22nd. Starbucks employees are snitching and confirming it too. Another rumor says it's coming out on Tuesday, August 27th, because Tuesday is the new Thursday or some shit.

Starbucks also sells their pumpkin spice poison in grocery stores, so you can stock up on August 5th and rot your insides in the privacy of your own home.

The menu includes all the usual suspects like the Hot Pussy Juice Latte, Iced Pussy Juice Latte, and the Frappuccino (whipped cream for the obese chicks who are too chickenshit to just order a milkshake). They also have the Pumpkin Cream Cold Brew, which sounds like something a Klingon would order. There's also some Apple Crisp shit for the basic bitches who are too woke for pumpkin.

According to the leak, there are three new drinks that will destroy your manhood, including the Iced Apple Crisp Cream Chai (for the lactose intolerant cucks) and something called a Raccoon Cake Pop (for the Furries, probably).

When Does Dunkin' Get in on the Pumpkin Spice Cuckoldry?

Dunkin' Donuts, another purveyor of piss-flavored coffee, hasn't announced their pumpkin spice release date yet. They usually drop their pumpkin spice garbage earlier than Starbucks, so we can expect it any day now. Last year, they started ruining summer on August 16th.

This year, they're introducing a new drink called Pumpkin Spice Iced Latte Dunkin' Spiked, which has alcohol in it. Now you can be a basic bitch AND an alcoholic! It's hitting stores this month, so get your basic bitch starter kits ready.

That Instathot Markie Devo again with the predictions says their fall menu drops on Wednesday, August 28th. She also says they're releasing Halloween-themed drinks on Wednesday, October 16th because we need two months of this shit every year.

What Exactly Is in a Starbucks Pussy Juice Latte?

The Pussy Juice Latte from Starbucks is made with steamed 2% milk (or whatever nut juice these soy boys prefer), whipped cream, and something called "pumpkin spice sauce." The sauce apparently has cinnamon, clove, and nutmeg in it, which sounds like shit your grandma would bake into a pie. But these retards are putting it in coffee.

You can get your Pussy Juice Latte hot, iced, or blended (so it looks like a smoothie and tricks you into thinking it's healthy). Mark my words, Pumpkin Spice season is going to be a nightmare. But hey, at least we get to roast these basic bitches on the Internet for a few weeks.