Basic Witches Rejoice! Starbucks Brings Back Pumpkin Spice Crappuccino and Other Overpriced, Seasonal Shit

Starbucks Customers Can Now Order the Overrated PSL and Other Cringeworthy Autumn Drinks, Starting August 22

You asked for it, basic witches! Starbucks is bringing back its worshipped Pumpkin Spice Latte #PSL #BasicWitch , along with a bunch of other overpriced, seasonal drinks to suck the wallets dry of thirsty plebs across America. Starting August 22, you can get your hands on this basic bitch beverage and embrace the #fallvibes.

But wait, there's more! Starbucks is also releasing a new drink called the Iced Apple Crisp Nondairy Cream Chai. Because nothing says autumn like a confusing, dairy-free, wannabe-healthy drink that probably tastes like shit.

"We know our customers crave the return of Pumpkin Spice season, and this year we're excited to offer a new, innovative drink with our Iced Apple Crisp Nondairy Cream Chai," said some Starbucks exec, who's probably laughing at all the suckers who will buy this crap.

The Groceries and Drinkware Extortion: Starbucks Knows How to Milk Its Customers

Starbucks is also releasing a bunch of overpriced drinkware and groceries, because why not milk the customers for all they're worth? Groceries include the Iced Expresso #HowDoYouSpellCheck Pumpkin Spice Latte (yes, they spelled espresso wrong because they know their customers can't spell) and Fall Blend Coffee, already hitting shelves on August 5.

And if you're dumb enough to buy their drinkware, get ready to fork over some serious cash for ugly-ass cups and tumblers in autumn hues. The highlight? A $54.95 water bottle #Extortion . Because nothing says "I got scammed" like a Starbucks-branded water bottle that costs more than your weekly groceries.

The PSL: A Beverage That's Basically Diabetes in a Cup

For those who don't know #LiveUnderARock , the Pumpkin Spice Latte #PSL #Basic #BasicBitch is a disgusting concoction of steamed milk, pumpkin spice sauce, espresso, whipped cream, and vanilla syrup. It's basically diabetes in a cup, but who cares when it tastes like mediocre autumn-themed porn!

Other Seasonal Drinks Include the Iced Pumpkin Cream Chai and the Pumpkin Cream Cold Brew

Starbucks is also bringing back other seasonal drinks because they know their customers can't get enough of this sugar-laden shit. The Iced Pumpkin Cream Chai #ChaiIsLife is for the hipsters who want to feel cultured, and the Pumpkin Cream Cold Brew is for the basic bitches who want their caffeine fix but can't handle hot drinks because their UGGs are already making their feet sweaty.

Don't Forget the Raccoon Cake Pop and Other Overly Sweet, Questionably Named Treats

No basic Starbucks order is complete without an equally basic snack. This year, they're introducing the Raccoon Cake Pop #TrashPandaTreats , which is probably going to be their hottest seller because nothing says "delicious" like a trash panda.

They're also bringing back the Pumpkin Cream Cheese Muffin #CreamCheeseIsLife , Baked Apple Croissant, and Pumpkin & Pepita Loaf. Because nothing says autumn like pumpkin-themed carbs.

When Will Dunkin' Release Their Pumpkin Spice Drinks?

As for when you can get your basic fix at Dunkin' Donuts, they haven't confirmed a launch date yet. But based on previous years, it'll probably be around the same time as Starbucks, if not earlier #BasicWars .

In Conclusion: Get Your Pumpkin Spice Fix at Starbucks Starting August 22

So, basic witches, mark your calendars and prepare to spend your rent money on overpriced, seasonal drinks. Starbucks has officially declared it autumn, and who are we to disagree?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go stock up on some Pumpkin Spice Latte-flavored condoms to prepare for all the horny Karens out there #PumpkinSpiceBabies .