Dallas Residents to Vote on Whether to Take a Permanent Vacation from Reality

Dallas, the city that brought us such delightful cultural exports as the TV show Dallas and, well, Dallas itself, is now gracing us with its latest contribution to society: legal weed. That's right, folks, the big-haired debutantes and drawling cowboys of this fine Texas city are saddling up to the ballot box to decide if they want to ride off into the sunset of stupidity and legalize the devil's lettuce.

The Dallas City Council, in a stunning display of productivity, voted 11-4 on Aug. 14 to put a marijuana decriminalization proposal on the November ballot. This sophomoric stunt, dubbed the "Dallas Freedom Act," is the brainchild of the nonprofit social justice warriors at Ground Game Texas. These do-gooders managed to scrounge up 50,000 signatures from the fine citizens of Dallas, which is impressive considering most of them were probably too lazy to put down their bongs and Cheetos long enough to sign.

The Dallas Freedom Act, because it sounds way cooler than the "Dallas Let's Get High Act," proposes that the boys in blue stop busting people for carrying less than four ounces of marijuana. Because, you know, freedom. Currently, possessing two to four ounces can land you in the clink for a year, while having less than two ounces can get you a six-month sentence. But who's counting? It's not like time means anything when you're baked out of your gourd.

The proposal also includes some real genius clauses, like saying the cops can't use the smell of weed as probable cause for a search. Because we all know that the only reason anyone would ever smoke weed is to mask the smell of the dead bodies in their trunk.

Dallas Police Chief Eddie Garcia, a party pooper of the highest order, warned that this brilliant idea could go up in smoke. He pointed out that four ounces is not a small amount and that the typical illegal purchase for personal use is about two to three dime bags. But what does he know? He's probably just bitter because he didn't get invited to the next big rave.

But fret not, my soon-to-be-baked brethren, the councilmembers Adam Bazaldua, Chad West, Zarin Gracey, and Omar Narvaez are here to save the day. They expressed their support for this reefer revolution, with West stating that it was a necessary change because the current laws disproportionately impact Black and brown people. Because, you know, only white people should be allowed to fry their brain cells.

So, there you have it, Dallas, you stupid bunch of yokels. You now have the power to decide if you want to turn your city into a giant Cheeto dust-covered couch. But remember, just because you can doesn't mean you should.

[http://norml.org/]