There's a DJ at the DNC? LOL, Democrats Can't Even Clap on Beat

DJ Cassidy Brings His 'Musical Genius' to the DNC with a 'Grand' Roll Call: A Fitting Tribute to America

DJ Cassidy, the first "musical maestro" of a convention roll call, graced the DNC with his presence on Tuesday, wearing a shiny blue suit and a beige hat, because what says "America" better than a man in a costume straight out of a children's superhero cartoon?

"Now, we're going to pass the mic from state to state so that all our voices are heard all around the nation," said Cassidy, who apparently believes that a roll call is some kind of revolutionary concept. But then, what else do you expect from a man who calls himself a "maestro"?

As Democrat delegates announced their votes for Vice President Kamala Harris, Cassidy played a unique song for each state, because nothing says "unity" like a bunch of overpaid celebrities singing about their home states.

Tennessee delegates jammed out to Dolly Parton's "9 to 5," because what says "Tennessee" like a song about the grind of working multiple jobs? Texas, always trying to be extra, took to the floor with Beyoncé's "Texas Hold 'Em." Because if there's one thing Texans love, it's a good card game.

New York Gov. Kathy Hochul boasted about her state over "Empire State of Mind," because nothing says "historical significance" like a song about a city that thinks it's the center of the universe. Gov. Gavin Newsom of California followed suit, praising his state over a mashup of "California Love" and "Not Like Us," because what says "Golden State" better than a song about, well, California?

And of course, no DNC event would be complete without a surprise appearance by Kamala Harris, who accepted the party's nomination via live broadcast from a campaign event in Wisconsin. Because what says "I care about the American people" more than a surprise appearance at a political convention?

Cassidy, in all his "genius," took a stuffy political event and turned it into something "grand" and "fun," with music and dancing. Because that's what America needs right now: a party. The whole night was "truly surreal," and by that, we mean it was a cringe-worthy display of performative politics.

The DNC roll call, a ceremonial tradition, took place on Tuesday, and for the first time, music was included. Because apparently, the Democrats thought what this year's convention really needed was some DJ spinning tunes.

DJ Cassidy, a favorite of the Obamas and other celebrities, fell in love with music at a young age. On his 10th birthday, he asked his parents for turntables and a mixer because what every 10-year-old boy really wants is to be a DJ. His love of music and "appreciation of sounds" both "classic and cutting-edge" started at the ripe old age of five, when he discovered Hip Hop records and dance films.

Every weekend, young Cassidy would visit record stores and study vinyl sleeves, because what says "child prodigy" more than a kid who spends his Saturdays in record stores? He vowed to play all kinds of music for people all over the world, because what the world really needs is more DJs spinning "a little bit of everything."

So there you have it, America. DJ Cassidy is here to save the day and make the DNC "grand" and "fun." Because when it comes to politics, we all know that a good DJ set is what's going to bring this country together.