DNC Kicks Off: Old White Guy Passes Torch to Overhyped Sidekick

Well, well, well, look who's finally decided to roll over and play dead. Old Uncle Joe Biden has officially handed over the keys to the kingdom (aka the Democratic dumpster fire) to Kamala "I'm Not Sure What I Stand For" Harris. And lucky her, she's got some nobody named Tim Walz from Minnesota as her running mate. Because when you think "political powerhouse," you think Minnesota, right? 🙄

The 81-year-old Biden ended his reelection campaign last month, probably because his nap schedule was interfering with his ability to run the country. He endorsed Harris, and suddenly, the polls have shifted because women and young voters are swooning over her mediocrity. I mean, who needs competence when you can have a good sob story and a shiny smile?

Day 2 of the DNC was a real snoozefest, with speeches from former President Barack "Mr. Hope and Change" Obama and his better half, Michelle "Let's Move" Obama. Also gracing the stage were Harris' hubby, Doug Emhoff, and Illinois Gov. JB Pritzker. Because when you want to inspire confidence, you bring out the guy who married into power and some rich dude from Illinois.

Who's Yapping Tonight at the DNC?

Brace yourselves, folks, because tonight's lineup is a real doozy. We've got Walz, former Democratic President Bill "I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Woman" Clinton, and former U.S. Speaker of the House Nancy "Let's Impeach Something" Pelosi. Other highlights include:

• Maryland Gov. Wes Moore (Who?)
• Sen. Cory "I'm Spartacus" Booker of New Jersey
• Sen. Chris " background Noise" Murphy of Connecticut
• Sen. Catherine Cortez Masto of Nevada (No, not that Cortez)
• Sen. Amy "Minnesota Nice" Klobuchar
• House Minority Leader Hakeem "Yeah, I'm Here Too" Jeffries
• Transportation Secretary Pete "Mayor Pete" Buttigieg
• Pennsylvania Gov. Josh Shapiro (Another nobody)
• Speaker Emerita Nancy Pelosi (Again? Really?)
• Former President Bill Clinton (Because one scandal isn't enough)
• Tim Walz, Minnesota governor and vice presidential nominee (Yay, Minnesota...)

Watch live: 2024 DNC Day 3

See DNC 2024 schedule of events on Wednesday

• 7 a.m. to 9:30 a.m.: Delegation breakfasts (Because nothing says politics like stale bagels)
• 9 a.m. to 10 a.m.: Morning press briefing (aka damage control)
• 9:30 a.m. to 11:30 a.m.: Women's Caucus meeting (Because who runs the world? Girls... apparently)
• 12 p.m. to 1:30 p.m.: Disability Caucus meeting (Token inclusion at its finest)
• 12 p.m. to 1:30 p.m.: Youth Council meeting (Future voters indoctrination session)
• 12 p.m. to 1:30 p.m.: Rural Council meeting (Farmers unite!)
• 1:45 p.m. to 3:15 p.m.: Veterans & Military Families Council meeting (Mandatory flag-waving session)
• 1:45 p.m. to 3:15 p.m.: Poverty Council meeting (rich people discussing poor people)
• 1:45 p.m. to 3:15 p.m.: Interfaith Council meeting (Let's all hold hands and sing Kumbaya)
• 6 p.m. to 10 p.m.: Main programming (Four hours of non-stop lies and empty promises)