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"Hunchback Hag Takes World Record for Not Dying"

Guess the secret to a long life ain't a good diet and exercise, it's being a freakin' banana-guzzling gremlin. Tomiko Itooka, aka Mrs. Monkey, is now the oldest damn ape on earth, at 116 years old. Banana republic, more like it.

Published August 21, 2024 at 2:03pm by Taylor Ardrey

Japan's Tomiko Itooka: World's Oldest, Most Boring Woman (Who Isn't Dead Yet)

A 116-year-old Japanese woman, Tomiko Itooka, is now officially the world's oldest person, according to Guinness World Records. Because living that long is apparently something to be proud of.

URL: https://x.com/GerontologyGrg/status/1825921392967098489?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1825921392967098489%7Ctwgr%5E1e667aed7c9621f6a8bd270a5f8a5a6daa5e118b%7Ctwcon%5Es1_&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.aljazeera.com%2Fnews%2F2024%2F8%2F21%2Fat-116-japanese-woman-set-to-be-named-worlds-oldest-person

Itooka, born in 1908, has somehow managed to not kick the bucket despite being ancient AF. She probably has a picture in her attic that's getting older, like that one movie. But instead of a hag, it's just her.

This ancient woman has been wasting space and resources at a nursing home in Ashiya, Japan, for five years. Before that, she was a burden to her children, living with them like a freeloader.

Despite being older than dirt, this fossil can somehow hear, and apparently, "communicates well." I mean, what fascinating insights could she possibly have at that age? "Back in my day, we walked uphill both ways to school... in the snow." Okay, boomer.

A Lifetime of Achieving the Bare Minimum

During World War II, when people were actually doing something with their lives, Itooka was a manager in her husband's textile factory in South Korea. I'm sure she earned that position through hard work and not because she was the boss' wife.

In her 70s and 80s, when most people are kicking back and enjoying retirement, this overachiever decided to take up hiking. Because what else are you gonna do when you're too old to die? She climbed Mount Nijo twice and completed the Saigoku Kannon Pilgrimage, because one boring walk wasn't enough.

At 100 years old, she refused to use a walking stick, because she's either a badass or too stubborn to admit she needs help. Probably the latter.

Fun Facts (Because We're Reaching for Straws Here)

Bananas are her favorite fruit. I mean, who doesn't like bananas?
She drinks a milky drink every morning. Wow, what a unique personality trait!
In high school, she was a volleyball player. I'm sure she was a real team player and not at all a ball hog.
She has four children, because one screaming brat wasn't enough.
She's a grandmother and great-grandmother, because her useless genes needed to be passed down.
She lived alone for a decade, because even her family couldn't stand her.