Lexuses and Texans, Oh My! DNC's Karaoke Song Choices Neither Woke Nor Funny.

Democratic National Convention Roll Call Gets Americans Stoked to Lose

Each state played a song that best represented the diverse and vibrant tapestry of America, or whatever:

• Alabama: Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama" because of course it did.
• Alaska: "Feel It Still" by Portugal. The Man, because nothing says frozen tundra quite like a song about doing molly.
• American Samoa: Lady Gaga's "Edge of Glory" because Samoans love a good meat dress.
• Arizona: "Edge of Seventeen" by Stevie Nicks. No, not the state motto, just a song about being old.
• Arkansas: "Don’t Stop" by Fleetwood Mac. Wait, isn't Clinton gone?
• California: A mix of "The Next Episode," "California Love," "Alright," and "Not Like Us." AKA, the soundtrack to every basic bitch's TikTok.
• Colorado: "September" by Earth, Wind & Fire. Oh, so that's why they're always high.
• Connecticut: They picked Stevie Wonder's "Signed, Sealed, Delivered (I'm Yours)" because they're basic.
• Delaware: "Higher Love" by Kygo & Whitney Houston, because what else are you gonna pick from Delaware?
• Washington, D.C.: "Let Me Clear My Throat" by DJ Kool because the swamp needs draining.
• Florida: "I Won't Back Down" by Tom Petty. Oh, yes, the state of hanging chads and your grandpa's favourite vacation spot.
• Georgia: "Turn Down For What?" by Lil Jon. Clearly, they've never been to Atlanta.
• Guam: Sabrina Carpenter's "Espresso." Wow, someone from Guam must've written this article.
• Hawai’i: "24K Magic" by Bruno Mars, who is definitely Polynesian.
• Idaho: The only song that mentions their state, "Private Idaho" by The B-52's. At least they exist, am I right?
• Illinois: Common's "Fortunate." You know, because of all that fortune Illinois is known for.
• Indiana: "Don't Stop 'til You Get Enough" by Michael Jackson. Too soon?
• Iowa: "Celebration" by Kool & The Gang. Yes, let's celebrate another year of being flyover country!
• Kansas: "Carry On Wayward Son" by Kansas. No, seriously, keep carrying on, we don't care.
• Kentucky: "First Class" by Jack Harlow. Because nothing says Kentucky like a rich white dude.
• Louisiana: "All I Do Is Win" by DJ Khaled. Lol, the Saints wish.
• Maine: "Shut Up and Dance" by WALK THE MOON. Yes, let's all shut up and forget Maine exists.
• Maryland: "Respect" by Aretha Franklin. crabs
• Massachusetts: "I'm Shipping Up to Boston" by Dropkick Murphys. Oh, cool, more Boston stuff for a state that isn't Boston.
• Michigan: Eminem’s "Lose Yourself." Yes, a song about a white dude to represent a state that thinks it's a hand.
• Minnesota: "1999" by Prince. What a wild coincidence that the artist and the song are connected to the state!
• Mississippi: "Twistin' the Night Away" by Sam Cooke. Is that what the KKK calls cross-burning?
• Missouri: "Good Luck, Babe!" by Chappell Roan. Yeah, you'll need luck with another bland song choice.
• Montana: "American Woman" by Lenny Kravitz, who definitely embodies the essence of a woman from Montana.
• Nebraska: "Firework" by Katy Perry. Wow, Nebraska, way to be basic and unoriginal.
• Nevada: "Mr. Brightside" by The Killers. Because what happens in Vegas stays in this song.
• New Hampshire: "Don’t Stop Believin'" by Journey. A song about never giving up, for a state that everyone forgets.
• New Jersey: "Born in the USA" by Bruce Springsteen. Oh, the irony of a liberal state playing a song by a conservative artist.
• New Mexico: "Confident" by Demi Lovato, a song about having confidence, which is something New Mexico clearly lacks.
• New York: "Empire State of Mind" by Jay-Z featuring Alicia Keys. Ah yes, New York, the empire of trash and pizza rats.
• North Carolina: "Raise Up" by Petey Pablo. A song about getting lifted, for a state that's definitely high on something.
• North Dakota: "Girl on Fire" by Alicia Keys. Watch out, she might burn down the whole state!
• Northern Mariana Islands: "Ain’t No Mountain High Enough" by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell. Ah yes, the mountains of the Northern Mariana Islands, truly a sight to behold.
• Ohio: "Green Light" by John Legend. Yay, another bland song choice for a bland state!
• Oklahoma: "Ain't Goin' Down ('til the Sun Comes Up)" by Garth Brooks. A song about staying up all night, perfect for the state that's a afking snoozefest.
• Oregon: "Float On" by Modest Mouse. Floats like their chances of ever being relevant are floating away.
• Pennsylvania: "Black and Yellow" by Wiz Khalifa, a song that has nothing to do with the state but at least the colours are right!
• Puerto Rico: "Despacito" by Luis Fonsi featuring Daddy Yankee. A song that needs no introduction, just like Puerto Rico.
• Rhode Island: "Shake It Off" by Taylor Swift. Watch them shake off their relevance!
• South Carolina: "Get Up (I Feel Like Being a Sex Machine)" by James Brown, a song that probably made half the state uncomfortable.
• South Dakota: "That's What I Like About You" by The Romantics. What a wonderful way to express their love for a state that no one likes.
• Tennessee: "9 to 5" by Dolly Parton. Yes, let's glorify the mundane daily grind, Tennessee!
• Texas: "Texas Hold 'Em" by Beyoncé, who probably doesn't even remember she's from Texas.
• Utah: "Everybody Talks" by Neon Trees, because that's all they do in Utah.
• Vermont: "Stick Season" by Noah Kahan, a song that perfectly captures the excitement of... stick season?
• Virginia: "The Way I Are" by Timbaland (featuring Hilson & D. O. E). Virginia, you ain't that cool.
• Washington: "Can’t Hold Us" by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. A song about resilience, for a state that's about to get hit with more rain.
• West Virginia: "Take Me Home, Country Roads" by John Denver, a song that's basically their tourism campaign.
• Wisconsin: "Jump Around" by House of Pain, because that's what the cheese does in your stomach.
• Wyoming: "I Gotta Feeling" by Black Eyed Peas. Yep, the feeling that this article will never end.

There, I fixed it.