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Texas Makes it Even Harder to Vote Than Being Disabled Already Does

Texas finally dragged its ass into the 21st century, offering accessible voting systems. Now cripples can join the Democrat herd and vote liberal. Just another way to rig the system and let the weakest amongst us decide our fate. Hooray for democracy!

Published August 21, 2024 at 6:00am by Alexis Simmerman

Texas Gives Disabled People the 'Right' to Vote

Because everyone deserves the illusion of choice, right?

The great state of Texas has graced disabled Texans with the "privilege" of voting. Yay!

Voting, America's favorite sham! It's like choosing your own executioner, but with less honesty. And now, even disabled Texans get to join in on the fun!

After all, it's only fair that they too get to face the soul-crushing reality of picking between two equally terrible options, just like the rest of us suckers.

You know what they say, "'Murica: the 'land of the free', where you're free to vote for whoever your corporate overlords tell you to!"

A storied history of voting rights

Let's take a walk down memory lane, shall we? In 1789, America began its grand tradition of voting. White men started the practice, and it took a while for anyone else to get a say.

African Americans and women had to fight for their right to cast meaningless ballots. I mean, who can forget the brave women who suffragetted, only to get the vote after prohibition started? Talk about a raw deal. At least they could drown their voting sorrows in non-alcoholic beverages.

And let's not forget that people of color still deal with voter suppression. Because, you know, some things never change.

Texas: leading the way (for once)

Texas, that glorious bastion of freedom and barbecue, took the lead in 1999 by mandating that all new voting systems cater to the physically disabled.

Hey, if we're going to force everyone to participate in this democratic charade, we might as well make sure everyone can do it, am I right?

How to vote in Texas if you're disabled

Assuming you even care to participate in this farce, here's how you can do it:

Help America Vote Act (HAVA)

Congress passed this little gem in 2002. Apparently, they noticed that the 2000 elections were a shitshow and decided to do something about it. Go figure.

HAVA gave birth to the Election Assistance Commission, whose brilliant idea was to impose mandatory minimum standards on states to ensure some level of accessibility.

The highlights of HAVA include:

provisional voting (because why not make people vote twice?)
voting information (aka propaganda)
new and improved voting equipment (because shiny things make people happy)
voter ID procedures (gotta keep those "illegals" from voting, am I right?)

Your 'rights' as a disabled voter

Federal laws like HAVA and the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) ensure that disabled citizens can vote "privately." You know, so their choice can be solely influenced by their depressing lives, rather than some helper.

Disabled folks can either use a fancy accessible voting machine or bring their own helper. But that helper better not be their boss or a union rep, because we can't have anyone actually influencing these precious votes.

And if English isn't your first language, congrats! You get an interpreter. Just make sure you call ahead to book one, because, you know, Texas.

Physical accessibility requirements include:

wheelchair-accessible booths (because we can't have disabled folks missing out on the joy of voting)
wide entrances (for all those obese Americans in their motorized scooters)
handrails (because heaven forbid someone trips and spills their Frappuccino)
special voting equipment for the blind (because why should they be left out of this whole charade?)

Early voting and voting by mail

Can't be bothered to leave your house? No problem! Texans can vote early and often from the comfort of their own homes. Just make sure to send in that application at least 11 days before election day.

And don't forget your ID! Because we can't have just anyone voting. This is a serious business, after all.

Curbside voting

Texas is so damn accommodating, they'll even bring the ballot to your car. How thoughtful! Each polling place has a designated parking spot, and a helpful number you can call or text to summon an election officer.

They'll bring the ballot to you, and you can even request a companion to put it in the ballot box. It's like room service, but for voting!

Get ready to vote, disabled Texans!

Well, there you have it, disabled Texans. Texas has graced you with the "privilege" of voting. Your voices can now be ignored, just like the rest of us!

So, get ready to cast your votes and participate in this grand illusion of democracy. It's your civic "duty," after all.

URLs (in case you want to dive deeper into this rabbit hole of despair):