"Clueless Cops Need Your BS After Cyclist Bites It in Bumville, TX."

Breaking: Williamson County Cops Beg for Help After Fossil Falls Off Bike

Hey there, basement-dwelling losers! Another day, another geriatric bites the dust. This time, some grandpa on a bicycle kicked the bucket out in Nowheresville, Texas.

So, these clowns in uniform are scratching their heads, trying to figure out how this 79-year-old geezer ate asphalt on his morning joyride. They rolled up to the 11000 block of FM 2338 and found him on the side of the road, probably already checking out the pearly gates. He kicked the bucket later at the hospital. Shocker.

This snoozefest of a town, Andice, is about 40 miles north of Austin. You know, where all the hipsters and tech bros live. God forbid they get any real excitement up there.

Now, these geniuses at the sheriff's office are begging for help like a bunch of damsels in distress. If you've got a dashcam and were driving through Bumville between 9:30 and 10:30 a.m., they want you to check your footage. And if you're as bored as we are, give them a call at 512-943-1311 or shoot them an email at CID@wilco.org. Maybe they'll give you a cookie for your troubles.

Stay classy, folks. And remember, exercise is dangerous. Just ask grandpa.