Great, Just What We Need: Another Politician's Sob Story

In a nauseating display of so-called humanity, Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz's youngest brat had a heartwarming meltdown during Daddy Dearest's speech at the 2024 Democratic National Convention. Because what America really needs is more emotional manipulation from politicians.

Walz, who's riding Kamala "The Cop" Harris' coattails to the VP spot, accepted the nomination on Wednesday. He just had to give a shoutout to his picture-perfect family: wife Gwen, boring daughter Hope, and the star of the show, 17-year-old Gus.

"Hope, Gus and Gwen – you are my entire world, and I love you," Walz gushed. Cue the waterworks!

Little Gus just had to steal the spotlight, jumping up and mouthing "That's my dad! That's my dad!" like a toddler who just spotted his daddy at the playground. Oh, and let's not forget the dramatic finger point and the "I love you, dad." Barf.

Gus Walz: The 'Secret Power' Snowflake

Turns out, Gus is a special snowflake with ADHD, a nonverbal learning disorder, and an anxiety disorder. In a recent sob story to People Magazine, Mommy and Daddy Walz said they never considered his issues a problem. Of course not, because everyone gets a participation trophy these days!

"It took time, but what became so immediately clear to us was that Gus’ condition is not a setback — it’s his secret power," they blathered. Sure, because when I think 'superhero,' I think 'kid who can't sit still and freaks out all the time.'

Thanks, Walz family, for another inspiring story of political pandering and delusion. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some serious eye-rolling to do.