Brace Yourself, Normies: More Pointless Weather Drama Incoming

The National Weather Service, aka the fun police, report that there's no tropical cyclone activity this week. But wait, don't celebrate yet—they've found four stupid tropical waves to ruin your plans. Because of course, it's almost peak hurricane season. Just what we needed, right?

** National Hurricane Center Wastes Resources Tracking 4 Tropical Waves**

• Tropical Wave 1: There's one off the coast of Africa, moving west. Scattered moderate convection—oooh, scary. yawn emoji
• Tropical Wave 2: Another one's near the Lesser Antilles, also moving west. No deep convection? More like no deep excitement.
• Tropical Wave 3: This one's in the central Caribbean Sea, moving west. Scattered moderate to locally strong convection off Panama and Costa Rica's coasts. Big deal, it's just going to rain on their parade.
• Tropical Wave 4: Lastly, one's in the Bay of Campeche, moving west. Isolated convection in far southern portions? More like isolated reasons to care.

When is the Stupid Peak of Hurricane Season?

Hurricane Ernesto hit Bermuda on Saturday, causing dangerous surf and rip currents along the East Coast. But did you die? No. Earlier in July, Hurricane Beryl became the earliest Category 5 hurricane on record. "Catastrophic damage" and 20 deaths? More like a catastrophic waste of my time reading about it.

Hurricane Storm Tracker: See Active Storms in the Atlantic

Click here if you're into that kind of thing.

Texas Weather Watches and Warnings

When is Hurricane Season in the Lone Zero State?

June 1 to November 30, with the peak from late August through September. Because Texas isn't miserable enough already.

** Sign Up for Stupid Text Alerts About Severe Weather**

If you're dumb enough to care about your safety, here's how to get free weather alerts on your phone:

• Wireless Emergency Alerts (WEA): Most smartphones get these government-issued warnings for severe weather. Yay, more spam.
• Weather Apps: Download crap like The Weather Channel, AccuWeather, or NOAA Weather Radar for real-time updates. Because heaven forbid you should be surprised by a thunderstorm.
• Emergency Alert Services: Many local governments offer free text alerts. Check with your local municipality if you're that desperate to stay informed.

How Many Hurricanes Have Hit Your Sh*thole?

Find out here, if you care.

How Can Texans Overreact to Hurricane Season?

Have a disaster kit and evacuation plan ready. Key items include:

• Water − one gallon per person per day. Gasp, not bottled water!
• Nonperishable foods. Great, more canned beans.
• A flashlight. Ooooh, spooky.
• A radio and extra batteries. Because the 21st century called and said you're a prepper.
• A first-aid kit. For when you inevitably cut yourself on a can of beans.
• Personal documents. Like anyone cares about your birth certificate.
• A cellphone and charger. Because God forbid you miss a tweet.
• Extra cash. For all the looting you'll do.
• A sleeping bag. But where will you find a virgin to sacrifice?
• Maps of your area. Because using your phone's GPS is too mainstream.

Stay mad, normies.